Trip Report & Confession of a Fake High-Roller
I wouldn't normally post about my gambling experiences in-depth but I'm fighting the gambling demons currently so perhaps getting feedback will help snap me back into reality. I know risking 20-30k each day isn't healthy or natural for me/my situation. As of today, the end result is a positive outcome but that doesn't excuse my past choices.
I should be broke right now, well, bankroll wise. Life-roll is 200k but we need to add a backyard to our new home (just like Leon went through in his thread). I'm at a weird stage with being satisfied winning what I did, but also feeling that urge to keep pressing for more. By nature, I'm super competitive and feel I can overcome anything. I haven't had a boss in over 16 years (since I was 23) due to me believing I can turn nothing into something and doing just that. This holds true with my gambling mentality; down to my last hundred and believing I can run it back up.
My problem is being disconnected with reality and what this money really means. Away from the casino it means so much; future bills/expenses, future trips, future home improvements, future gifts for my girlfriend or myself, etc... At the casino it merely means I can play at X level for X amount of sessions. I don't have a stop-loss or shut-off switch. History has proven I'll gamble most of the funds I have available if given a chance.
I'd call myself a fake high-roller because I cannot afford to gamble what I do. Sure there's micro scale gambling when I try to win $100 if I'm out with my girl, but there's been many times that $100 chase turns into $1000 and $10,000. I usually don't have access to large amounts of money as my life roll is managed by my better half (thank God).
So, without further ado, here's what transpired over the last 3 weeks:
Girlfriend and I agreed I'd take 20k from savings to play poker tournaments during the World Series (June and July). June 10th I arrive at Caesar's and I have 5k on me for a couple events. I'm an avid Video Poker player and over the years have blown my tournament buyins on the machines. There's been times like when I wired 25k to RIO for the summer and had reserved multiple stays, only to blow it that first day on VP and would drive back home. I just can't help myself after incurring a loss.
Back to the story, I walk by the high-stakes VP machines and decided to try and win my first buyin ($1100). Lose 1k, then 2k, then 3k and then:
Couldn't believe it, let out a roar so loud I lost my voice later. Immediately felt redeemed from the last time I hit a Royal for 20k and gave it all back. Text my girl and head upstairs to get ready for the tourney. Had a convo with her later promising I was gonna lock up the 40k. Busted the tourney later that night and went to sleep. Next morning comes and I figured to try and win another buyin. Brought 5k downstairs and lost it rather fast. I played as if my bankroll was 40k rather than 5, so the downswing was too big. Go back upstairs and grab 10k, breaking my promise and thinking to myself 30k is still a decent score. Lose the 10k just as fast. Head back upstairs to grab another 10k. On the elevator ride down I was coming to the realization that I may blow the whole 40 as if I lose this 10 then I'm gonna grab the remaining 20 and if I lose that then gonna head home (even though I had a week booked). Somehow go on a hot streak and end up winning though:
Ok, so I'm close to 50 now and feeling very grateful. I stop, eat and go play the tourney. Bust the tourney that night and back at Caesar's. I know what will happen if I start losing, but push that aside and continue playing hoping a losing streak doesn't happen. At 55k, then 60k, then 65k. I ended the night at 65k. Next morning I don't try to win the tourney buyin and just head over there. I only brought over 2 buyins. Register for the tourney and have about an hour to spare. Figured I'd try to win lunch (literally just $50) playing the $1 machines. I lose the first $100. Switch the machines to $5. Lose another $100, and another and...you see where this is going. I end up losing my second buyin and was upset so what do I do? I get back in my car and head back to Caesar's, go upstairs and grab $10k. Back downstairs and back to risking 10s of thousands of dollars all because of lunch. Well, that's a copout as its because of me, but trying to win lunch triggered it. Somehow end up winning 5k or so and put it back in the safe, go back over the to tourney about 2 hours late. Bust the tourney later that night and head back to Caesar's. This time however I don't gamble right away. I took a nap, ate and went to go buy my girl 5k in bags. I felt really good doing that and she deserves nice things after all the **** I put her through.
After the shopping I thought to myself, "I would feel even better if I could win that money back and get those for free essentially." So, I go downstairs and after some back and forth, end up winning 5-6k. I end up leaving the next morning with 70k in cash and gifts for my girl.
Mission accomplished! Or is it? Let's just say what comes up must go down and results in utilizing the services of a payday loan center. 😮