Joke of the day
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where heknows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful tohis wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I madelove to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partnerwhipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Nice, those are great!
Misogamy alert!
It's an inside joke... Only @Crossnerd and I know the punchline.
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish race.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar.
One deer says to the other one, "I can't believe I just blew 40 bucks!"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Spoiler
Beer nuts are a $1.29. Deer nuts are under a buck.
i hate myself for finding that funny, well done
Obligatory Christmas Joke
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Spoiler
Santa Claus stopped at 3 Hos
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
Spoiler
you can't hear a vitamin
How do you make a hormone?
Spoiler
Don't pay her
One morning, seventy-five-year-old Marvin arrives at work and is promptly reminded by his secretary that today is his wife’s birthday.
At lunch, he heads to the mall in search of the perfect gift. But as he browses, he realizes that after all these years, his wife has everything she could possibly need. Just as he’s about to give up, he passes a lingerie store and has an idea—his wife has never owned anything like this before!
Determined to make her feel young and beautiful, Marvin walks in and tells the sales clerk, “Give me the most expensive, sheerest negligee you’ve got—and wrap it up fancy.”
With his exciting purchase in hand, Marvin rushes home. Finding his wife in the kitchen, he hands her the package and says, “Go upstairs, unwrap this, and put it on. I’ll wait down here.”
His wife, touched by the gesture, takes the gift and heads to the bedroom. When she opens the box, she’s surprised—it’s so sheer it’s practically invisible! She thinks for a moment, then decides to really surprise Marvin. Why bother with the negligee at all? She leaves it on the bed and confidently walks downstairs stark naked.
“Marvin,” she calls out, “come to the hallway and take a look!”
Marvin steps out, looks up at his wife standing at the top of the stairs, and gasps. Then he shakes his head and mutters, “All that money… and they didn’t even iron it.”
Lately I've been doing a standup comedy set at the local prison every thursday night.
Spoiler
There's always a captive audience
Yesterday a salesman came to my house and tried to sell me a coffin.
Spoiler
I told him no thanks, that's the last thing I'll ever need
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
Spoiler
It was the least I could do
The new king of the one-liners!
