Playing with ADHD and self-awareness

I'm posting this in case it might help anyone else with ADHD or similar condition. If you don't have ADHD and don't like long posts, this isn't for you, no offense.

I'm Chris. Most people on forums call me "Doc", because of my user name. I'm not a doctor. I was a medic in the Army. All the infantry guys called us "Doc", rather than remembering our names or reading our name tags. I started using that as my online user name back in the early days of the innerwebz, and it stuck.

I'm 52. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-late 30's, when I started taking prescription Adderall. First twice a day, but I had trouble sleeping, so I cut back to just one pill in the morning.

I read a recent article about the huge number of people taking Adderall. Apparently a lot of adults are being diagnosed later in life, as I was.

My dad and uncle taught me the basics of poker when I was around 10, so I could sit in on the home games with their cronies. This was the late 70's / early 80's, so no HE, just 5 card draw, 7 card stud, and the usual BS home game variants. They played with loose change, literally coins. For a know-nothing kid, I held my own.

My personal experience and observation of people with undiagnosed / untreated ADHD is that we tend to be train-wrecks. We have racing thoughts, impulse control problems, no speech filter, hair-trigger tempers, and we're subject to mood-swings. It's hard to maintain healthy relationships or hold down a good job.

As a kid, I got into fights at school and in the neighborhood. My teachers would tell my parents that I tested well above average intelligence, which was why I was put into advanced placement courses, but I wasn't getting good grades because I was lazy or lacked motivation. So I'd catch a beating or get grounded, or both.

It was the '70's-'80's. They didn't test kids like me for ADHD back then, just the serious troublemakers. I wasn't a "bad kid". I was a good kid who just wasn't living up to his full potential.

I was a 17 year old high school senior when a 24 year old named Phil Hellmuth won the WSOP main event. The news stories at the time captivated me. I thought, he's not much older than me, if he can do it...

Few of my college friends played. I was able to get maybe 2 or 3 home games going in five years. I'd stay up late watching the WSOP on ESPN. Same thing when I was in the army. At least those games were entirely NLHE, no more dealer's choice. Still, it was just kids having fun for super-low stakes, no one taking it very seriously.

Not long after I got out of the Army in 2000, I found my way into a monthly 1/2 NLHE game at a private social club here in Philly. Still just having fun. Won some, lost some, more or less broke even.

I read all "the" books - Brunson, Caro, Sklansky, Negreanu, Gordon. I watched the WPT. I wanted to be good at the game, and tried to apply the lessons from the books. I dreamed of eventually becoming good enough to make it to the main stage.

Around the time that private game was breaking up, I started sharing office space with a couple other guys who played. Once a week, we'd take a long lunch to play a 3-way freeze-out. Once a month, we'd skip work and drive down to the Borgata in AC, to play 1/2. We hosted or otherwise got into some home games a few times per year.

We'd talk about Dwan's or Antonius's play on HSP. I read more. I played online a little, not much. Didn't really like it. Felt like I needed to see my opponents to play well.

Played some tournaments. Won a couple very small ones. Lost all the big ones. Never really got above break-even, despite feeling like I had good instincts for the game. This was before solvers, barely into the Moneymaker boom.

Then they started opening card rooms here in PA. I'd be playing there 4-5 times a year, or in Vegas on business trips. Good times, playing once a month, sometimes more often, sometimes less often, still more or less breaking even. Win a session, lose a session.

One of those guys from the office had "Hellmuth Syndrome" - when he won, it was because he was better. When he lost, it was because his opponents got lucky.

Near the end of that time, I had it too. I'd have a huge winning session and think I was on my way up, then dust off two buy-ins in two hours, and swear I was done playing. I stopped enjoying the game.

In 2012, I lost a job, and started a business. I needed to focus my attention there, and couldn't afford to lose money playing. It was just as well, as I wasn't having fun anyway. I took a few years off. A few years later, when the business was doing well, I started playing again, trying to remember to just have fun, win or lose.

I had fun at first, but then the same cycle started - haphazard results, Hellmuth syndrome creeping in. My regular room at Harrah's shut down during Covid, and never re-opened. I was fine with it. I thought maybe it was a sign I should quit playing, if I wasn't consistently winning nor consistently having fun.

When things started to return to normal, sometime in 2021, I started playing in a new room. Same cycle again - mixed results, Hellmuth attitude. I started to question why I was playing. Maybe the truth was I was just a bad player, who occasionally got lucky, not the other way around.

I'd started making friends with some other regs, all younger guys, and the dealers, many of whom play in other rooms. We'd talk strategy a little at the table. We traded contact info, and started some group text chats, which served as informal study groups, where we'd discuss hand histories and live exploits. I felt like I was learning and improving.

I put more effort into improving my game. I read more, watched more videos, tried to play a more fundamentally sound and more balanced game, while also trying to play smarter against exploitable opponents. It felt like I was getting better.

I was still frustrated by my results. There was a clear pattern in my sessions. I'd run up a huge stack playing a disciplined game early on, but I'd end up giving all my profits and then some back. My friends all saw it. All the losing hands we discussed were my big end-of-session punts.

I told myself I was just playing too long. But I was only able to play once a week, so I wanted to keep playing, as long as the games were good and I felt I had a skill edge, like any good grinder should do. The downswings were brutal.

I knew I had a leak, but didn't think it was the usual in-game mistakes like being too wide pre or calling too much on the river. I was convinced there was a reason why my game would start out strong but fall apart late in a session.

Eventually, about a year ago, I figured it out. Adderall only lasts about 6-8 hours in the body. It was wearing off halfway through my sessions. By the end of the night, it was just like before I was diagnosed - tilty, spazzy, and spewy.

I started bringing a pill to the card room with me, and set an alarm on my phone as a reminder when I should take it. Immediately, I started consistently crushing 1/3. Far fewer if any big punts. The downswings became fewer and farther apart, and less severe. I noticed they were usually when I forgot to bring that pill with me.

I started playing smaller one-day tournaments once a month. I went deep and cashed in 2 of 6 (8 buy-ins, for $2720, 2 cashes for $10,800), adding about $7k to my bankroll.

My friends and other 1/3 regs were telling me I should move up to 2/5. Some of the reg-fish started treating me like I was a feared grinder. Dealers would mention the $2k-$3k stack I had in front of me the week before, and suddenly everyone would just fold if I even breathed on a pot.

So, about two months ago, after taking 2nd in one of those tournaments, I took my shot at 2/5. Other than sitting at 1/3 while waiting for a 2/5 seat, I've been playing 2/5 exclusively the last two months, booking a win 7/10 sessions.

The wins have been modest to big. The losses have been manageable, mostly because I'm disciplined about quitting if I dust off two buy-ins. I try not to forget that pill before I leave the house.

I still play for fun, and don't track my results other than watching my bankroll. I'm averaging around 10bb/hour when I'm diligent about taking my meds.

It only took about twenty years of sporadic grinding, but I'm finally winning consistently, and most importantly, I'm having more fun playing than ever before.

I'm not going to turn pro. I'm not trying to move up to higher stakes. I'm happy where I'm at. I get to play once a week, and my wife doesn't mind. She's happy whenever I take a little from my bankroll and put it into our family checking account. My son likes to tell his friends when I cash in another tournament. It's enough for me.

The downside - it's super-hard for me to fall asleep after a session, win or lose. I try not to take the Adderall after 4pm, and quit playing between 12am and 1am. Even so, I'll be awake until 4 or 5am, and I might get 5 hours of sleep before I just can't sleep anymore. The entire next day, I'm just spent, and fairly useless around the house.

So, what's the big takeaway here?

First, if the description of people with undiagnosed ADHD reminds you of yourself, talk to a doctor about it.

Second, if you take meds for ADHD or something similar, pay attention to how long it takes for them to work their way through the body. Don't play when you're not at your best and fully capable of focusing and thinking clearly.

Third, if you have ADHD or similar condition, it's super-important to make the correct adjustments. Maintain a high level of self-awareness in-game, with a focus on being honest about how you're playing, and set firm limits on when and how much / how long you'll play, and how many buy-ins you'll bring to the table.

My personal limit is 8 hours (10 hours if I'm playing in a tournament) and 2 buy-ins, and I only play on Fridays or Saturdays, when I don't have any obligations the following day.