A bad spot for aces

I'm ashamed to show this hand, I don't like the way I played it. I played it really ****ing bad. Ok. I don't need to be told that alright.

In fact, I live in the constant dread of shame, because I was raised by a shamer, defeatist, narcissitic, antagonistic mother so whatever, gonna put the shame out there.

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What help I'm looking for is yeah technical but mostly, of motivation, because as you're gonna see, read-wise, I'm spot on, as I usually am and... I just don't listen to myself..

I need help to understand me and where I'm coming from, so perhaps you can help with that... so the real question is, why am I doing what I'm doing?

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1-2 casino live cash game 9 handed

Hero 155$
Milf 250$+

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Hero has AA UTG calls 2$.

This decision I was okay with it, felt great about it and still do, because there's young buck over there that's gonna raise 100% of his good hands, and this old regular over there, that's just raising way too often with a wide range. I feel very confident that my 2$ call -will- be raised, so as far I'm concerned, just putting in more money in the pot with the best hand so, that was flawless as far as I'm concerned.

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fold
call
young buck calls
calls
milf calls
calls
calling station... you guessed it he calls
old regular likely to raise this, he raises to 6$

now it's back to me with aces and aaaah... not thrilled by this situation because the old regular he raised to 6$... the thing is that, he plays like an open book preflop, what im saying is that he doesn't have much of a hand at all, like, best he ever has here is 9-10 suited.... because he's got this betting pattern that match his hand, so if he would have raised to 7$, he would have had a better hand, if he raised to 15$ he would have had an even better hand, and if he raised to 20$ it was probably very cool to just shove on him or give him a 3x 4x raise...

so now I'm like in a dilemma... if I raise real big, on average everybody's going to fold, and I win the preflop ''action'' money, which is just a bunch of calls and a raise to 6$, it just feels like not much, like, I want more. Mh!

So I decided to milk it, and I raised to 15$.

And when I saw my hand leaving the 15$ on the table, I was feeling awful and scared, like holy **** man, what a mistake! Ahhhhh! I was already thinking oh ****, now I just created the call train, I essentially removed all my preflop fold equity... Im getting called. A lot. A whole lot. These guys, with a big table of calling 2$ and a guy raise to 6$ and another guy raise to 15$, they're just going to call the 15$ so I feel im gonna be super blind in this hand like... there's gonna be a whole lot of potential worse hands that may rise best than me post flop.

fold
fold
young buck calls
milf calls
calls
calling station calls
old regular calls

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flop is 2-3-4 rainbow. I feel awful about that flop. I dont like it. I dont know why I dont like it, but I dont. I'd would rather much see some sort of K-7-2. With less connection and less low cards that they very well might have with a 2$ limp into a 15$ call.

Hero bets 20$
young buck calls 20$
milf raises to 55$
fold
old regular fold

now im just dead. Im beat. Im ****ing beat dude. This milf, she's saying she has a set... and I dont think she says she has a set when she dont. I don't think she even raises to 55$ with two pairs. Im still giving her two pairs + as a general not wanna be wrong read, but my actual read is she has a set. She has a set... That's all there is to it. She has a set, and now I'm ****ed.

Im not gonna call 35$ here... it looks awful. What, im gonna call 35$, and check the turn almost always, and face another big bet on the turn, with what, a very high unlikely hood of seeing a 5 or an ace. I got clean outs, tho. Like, a 5 gives me the win, and a ace well it probably kills the action too but, Im pretty sure ill win the hand with a 5 or an ace turn or river.

So calling is out of the question. I just, think its really bad to call there... just gonna check the turn way too much based on my read, and uh, just gonna fold the turn... but then, then I think about my outs you know... the 5 mostly, the 5 gives me a straight dude.

Hero shoves all-in to 155$
Young buck looks flabbergasted and folds
Milf looks at the flop again, ponders, looks at the flop again, and calls.

and the turn is a 3, the river's a 2....

and the dealer invites me to show my hand... and I dont really want too.... oh ****.... what a weak hand dude here, like, I just cant win. Anyway, this for the show I guess, and maybe a 1% chance to win the hand, and anyway its the ruling, I raised last so I show my hand, and milf says she has a full house, pocket four, top set on the flop and I leave the casino **** this **** man why is the universe giving me this, why do I have to lose money man

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so yeah man, why am I doing this like... I knew I was beat... usually disciplined to lay down great hands that feels beat in a particular situation, and this is one of them so why the **** do I shove? I dont know. Its like, I knew better, I really did knew better, so the question is more like, about, why am I motivated to take such low amount of outs into such high account? Why did I eat the donut, instead of running a marathon? Nobody has kings in this spot, like, Im not getting paid, im getting shown two pairs or better, and since her raise was so milky and so post flop, and she called with a bunch of 1$ and just raises to 55$ after what she perceives as a solid bet postflop, she just has it, she has it... she always has it, and I KNOW, so why the **** am I doing this.... and why the **** do I raise like a littlê ****ing bitch to 15$ preflop ANYWAY. oh yeah I know, because I'm scared... Im ****ing scared.. you know what I'm scared, I,m scared to make that preflop to 45$, and have everybody fold, and then rake in the 16-18$ or whatever, and im like, well I had aces, and made what feels like 10$, Im just not gonna be happy about it, thats why I raised lower... so that they call, and I get to have some sort of chance to win more.. but I definitly raised so low that im just creating some sort of half-family pot where aces cannot take action, not too much action anyway.

So yeah, if you can like, tell me what the **** was my motivation in all of this, and how I can align and hone new values to my decision making I would appreciate your presence very much so yes

so when it comes back to me with his raise to 6$, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place... if I raise big, im almost always winning the preflop action, which is not much for aces, and if I raise low, im getting into a **** show of two pairs and straight and flushes and whatever and I can never call a post flop raise, making my hand feel very weak and im still on the god damn preflop action with the best hand in the game

as for the shove into 55$ I dont know what the **** im thinking man, I know im losing, and I still shove, what the **** is wrong with me?

and what else is sickening is that, if I did, if I did raise to 35$ or 45$ or 50$ preflop, and everybody folded, and I won a small pot, I would still have felt bad about my play! I would have considered I made a mistake, because well, it was obvious nobody had kings, so im like, a big raise preflop isnt called all that too often; so even when I win this hand, I still feel bad about it and insecure about my choice... and raise to 20$ is very mh much hm, hard to tell what would have happened, just a really hard thing to pin point, after all its about them, and their willingness to put more money in bad for a potential outcome so I dont know... I just know the very basics yeah, 15$ is getting called and is milky as ****, and 50$ is probably making everybody fold, as for the inbetween that's really a hard guess, and is probably a guess too