I Abso-F*ckin-lutely hate poker... So why do I play it?????

1 hour in to the famous bounty builder $55 on Pokerstars and I'm bored, I try to play every hand, to keep me occupied, keep me entertained, I know at this stage I'm meant to be patient, pick my spots, search out the prey and devour every chip they miss play, I know how too, I've put the work in, I've read the books, I've studied the ranges. but 5h7h utg, is screaming at me to put in a bet because to fold may force me deeper in to boredem, so I oblige 2.2x, stack size 6,210, blinds 50/100(15) 8 handed.

Mp1 calls (220)
Button calls (220)
Small blind calls (220)
Big blind calls (220)

Pot size 1220
Effective stack button with 2210 (22 bigs)

My fate is already sealed, my brain has already made the decision, I'm going to the wire, I don't care what the flop is. I raised UTG this pot belongs to me how dare they call, plus nobody bothered raise pre flop considering the dead money that was available so they are weak I know it.
That's my read, I'm going to die by it.

The flop AdKc5s

That flop has my name all over it the Ace and King are firmly in my percived range, and failing that I've connected and can catch a 5 or 7 to suck out, the plan is bulletproof.
regardless this is my pot and I'll be damned if I'm going to let these weak players take it from me.

Small blind (check)
Big blind (check)
Me(1220)
Mp (1220)
Button fold
Small blind (fold)
Big blind (fold)

Pot - 3660
My stack 4770

It's going in on the turn, I'm bringing the fire. he only has a king ain't no way he calls, I don't care what the turn brings. See you on the other side.

Turn 7s, Bingo I was going all in anyway this was just iceing on the cake, LET'S DO IT. I slide the cursor as far right as the bet-slider will go, and I'm ready to furociously click the left button on my mouse. but wait, what if he folds? I don't want him to fold, not now, before yes, I would of begged for it, but now I want to milk every last drop of delicious milk (chips, I don't even like milk) from his ever increasingly gorgeous looking stack.
I should check, maybe he bets, then I jam he has to call for my remaining chips right? great idea, let's do that.

Me (check)
Villain (all in)

What a dream I got him, great check I got him to bluff the turn, why the fudge cake am I not in Vegas playing the high rollers l, rubbing shoulders with the pros.
I snap call, he turns over AK.

HOW THE **** HAS HE GOT AK THERE, HOW DID HE NOT RAISE PRE WHAT A ****ING IDIOT.
I throw the horse shoe at him, I start writing how awful he played AK just, I begin my pros guide rant in the chat box, I tell him he has to raise pre flop there, I begin writing how awful a play it was and how playing like that he will never make any money (ironic I know) I write it in block capitals so he knows I'm shouting. I prepare for blast off as a stack of chips slides towards me. A beautiful 7 shows on the river, Bingo, I delete rant. I congratulate myself for a job well done. I throw the firework at him. He throws **** at me (rude)
And from that point on my fate was sealed.
I had the taste of what it felt like to get lucky, and was certain this was my tournament to win. Against everything I know about poker, my mental state was not ready to play the strategical battle, I didn't have the mental strength to navigate an 8 hour plus online event. And so set of a chain of events that would have me out of the tournament before the break. And force me to ask myself why do I even play poker?

And I have done this religiously for the better part of 10 years.

Dotted in their are some decent wins, but nothing life changing. I don't put in anywhere near the work to be successful long term. And of you are a losing or break even player and you don't understand why! Ask yourself one question.

If you was on trial, would you get convicted of putting in maximum effort to your poker study? Or would you be Scott free because there was not enough evidence to convict you?

I'd be in the nearest starbucks 10 minutes later. Getting ready to play the bounty builder 55 again because the winner gets tens of thousands even though I very rarely even make the min cash of this event, every day it seems like a great idea.

So, if I'm not willing to study the required amount of time. Adequate enough to be moderately successful at the tables why do I keep returning day after day?

And the answer is because working a 9-5 is less appealing. Although I do work a regular job I hate getting up going to work. And the work I know it takes to make it as a pro sounds like to much work, yes I'm lazy!

But still, I'm infatuated by the idea of travelling the world playing poker for a living, I want to be able to study to fall in love with the process to embrace the journey, I don't necessarily want to be rich I just want to be comfortable, to be happy.

My question is this -

How do I fall in love with the process?
What steps can I take to become a winning player?
Does it have to be in you, or can you develop it?

I guess posting this is step one of a 1 million step journey, but you have to start somewhere right?