There are two kinds of war
There are two kinds of war, the one against villain, and the one in your head. The second one? Harder to survive…
Every cooler felt like an explosion, every walk with aces like a ghost.
I watched myself lose it, screaming, punishing walls. Trying to prove to myself I'm not weak. I’ve seen myself acting like a beast too many times, and every time it ends the same way, broken, embarrassed, defeated. The emotional man is predictable, and the predictable man is, easy to destroy.
When I tell people about my job in the hospital I receive proverbial medals I didn't ask for. Helping people in need gives a feeling of satisfaction yes, but that feeling starts fading away when you realize this isn't your calling. For a good year now I’ve had these thoughts in my head, that I’m losing excitement in work, and to be honest, losing excitement in general. It’s far from depressive feelings to be clear, but I used to feel a spark inside of me which I haven’t felt in a while.
This idea of escaping my situation by giving poker a shot is not new, I’ve made some attempts, inspired by KidCudi147’s blog.
These attempts collapsed due to losing the second type of war, as mentioned above, the war in your head. But now I want to turn this “trauma” of collapsed attempts into fuel, focus the rage. I don’t want to run from the pain like I used to do, not from poker related pain, not from curveballs life throws at me. Trying to let pain forge an armour, learn from it, instead of standing in my way.
What kept me in a fixed mindset is the feeling that it is too late. That I should have been more decisive, that online poker is dead, that I'm too old (32) to start giving poker a serious shot. I was whining to myself, didn't realise I'm in a privileged situation, the majority of people are in a worse situation when looking at life standards such as financial stability, health and free will. I started working 26 hours / week, plenty of room for study/grind time. I am aiming to work 25 hours a week on poker, at a ratio around 2:1, 2 hours of grinding, 1 hour of studying.
Enough self-pity, time to be specific on what you can expect on this thread:
Poker goals:
- End of 2025 beating 25NL over a >200k hand sample for at least 2bb/100 (including RB & GGpoker leaderboards)
- Strict BR management, and share everything with you guys
- Don't play impulsive, only scheduled sessions
- Track and develop my mental game
Goals outside of poker:
- Tracking mental health, and productivity
- Exercise 2-4 times a week
- Travel more
Bankroll start: $350 (started at 10NL on 15th of September)
Current Bankroll / EV adjusted: $455,84 / $477,36
$ Won / $ Won EV adjusted: $63,41 / $84,93
$ from bonus*: $16
$ from Leaderboards: $17
$ from Rakeback: $9,34
*Bonus contains:
- Badbeat JP; GGcheers freerolls, other promotions
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I'll keep you guys posted!
