I date a profesional player and need some help :)
So we’ve been dating for over a year and he already played when we met. We are 20+ Years old, he still finishing his graduation and manages his time between classes and online poker. In the other hand I work 40 hours per week from monday to friday.
He tells me that the best tournments (sorry if say anything wrong, english is not my native language, i dont have much vocabulary about poker in english) are during the weekends, wich o totally understand. He tries to play more than 3 times a week and plays for almost 12h a day, and due to the college the most time he has is during the weekends too.
I do unsderstand that this is his dream and i really support him doing it, but i miss him so much :(
He meets me during the week so i know he is doing his best but sometimes i dream about a “normal” relationship, in wich we can do something on weekends, because it’s also the time that i am totally free and during the week i am also exhausted about my job sometimes. But when i ask him to have one singular weekend together he tells me that i don’t understand his job, that i am being unsensible, he really get hurts. He tells me that as long as he gets better, and some years from now when he gets more money to stop feeling insecure about it we will have more time together.
So i am looking for people who has a relationship with someone who doesn’t play. How can you handle it? Do you have special schedule? Is it possible for a pro player to have some weekends off or its very difficult to happen? My boyfriend and i have talked a lot about it already, but i don’t see a way to resolve this, i feel that he could have a weekend per month off for exemple, but he really get hurt. Am i being selfish?
Thank you!
12 Replies
Best tournaments are traditionally on Sundays, so most aspiring pro tourney players will play a full Sunday schedule. So maybe make plans to hang out Friday nights and every other Saturday. If you care about him and he cares about you, you should meet each other somewhere in the middle.
If you're asking for one weekend together every so often and he doesn't find time for you - this relationship is never going to work unless he changes.
Sundays are the best day. This is when lots of sites offer good tournaments.
He should atleast spend time with you on Saturday.
Or ask him if he will learn cash games then he can play more freely.
Remember, yes it can be someone's job, but it can also be an addiction too.
It’s your life; do what you want. But if I were in your position, I would have a serious discussion with him. Try to find out if he really values your relationship more than he does playing poker. If he doesn’t, don’t do something stupid out of desperation to try to change him. It won’t happen. Don’t try to get more serious, get engaged, get married, or (god forbid) have a child with him because “He will change when things are more serious with us”. He will not. If poker is his priority, then it will continue to be his priority no matter what you do. If that is the case, you need to ask yourself if you can live with being second fiddle to his poker career and if that is the type of life you want with him. If not, do yourself a favor — end things now. I don’t care how much you love him or how hard you think that would be. It will only get harder if you try to get more serious in order to make him change.
Of course, that is assuming that his priority is actually poker. If he values your relationship as much or more than he does playing poker, he will be willing to make some compromises and make time for you. And, obviously, if you’re willing to tolerate a relationship where his poker playing comes ahead of spending time with you, then by all means do so.
**** that. Make him choose now between poker or girlfriend.
It's just a silly game. You're young and deserve a boyfriend who wants to hang with you.
i have mixed feelings about this, given a lack of information about his poker. if hes a crusher, i have a different set of guidelines compared to if hes a small stakes multi tourney grinder averaging 35 dollars a day.
if hes small stakes:
hes really not losing much money by taking a weekend off; however in his mind it may seem like hes losing a chance for big money (he is, but its slim chance). the reality is that the ev of a small stakes tourney isnt big money.
missing out on developing your mental, physical, and social skills in your early 20s in favor of winning small stakes money is undesirable.
i think the small stakes boyfriend should take some days off to see you according to your work schedule. develop mutual interests. develop lives enriched with culture, food, art, nature, and sport, together. if youre still together in 20 years i bet you'll be glad he disappears all Sunday lol.
if the boyfriend is a crusher: the opportunity cost of not playing is very real. however if youre a verified crusher, you have the winnings to back it up. taking a Sunday off should never cause the slightest financial insecurity (if it does cause such insecurity, where the **** are the winnings honey?).
i do not get the crusher impression from the op, but thats why i think a crushers weekend work should be priority, but not exclusively. take weekends away sometimes with no poker. cus really if hes a crusher with a huge bankroll but never takes you on escapes, thats lame.
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from a different perspective, how would the you, op, feel if the boyfriend asked you to take a day off work to accommodate his schedule? if you have conflicting opinions about the importance of your respective jobs, resolving this could be a key to moving forward with a mutually respectful schedule arrangement.
good luck.
If her reasoning was that I wasn't spending almost any time with her I would 100% agree.
You can't have two time intensive jobs, have zero time for your partner and expect someone to be happy with that. And equally from his perspective he shouldn't expect/demand a partner to be ok with that either.
It's just basic courtesy. And being in your 20s is way too young to be stuck in a malfunctional union anyway. He has to choose between study + poker, or choose one + girlfriend. But he can't have everything. None of us can.
If her reasoning was that I wasn't spending almost any time with her I would 100% agree.
You can't have two time intensive jobs, have zero time for your partner and expect someone to be happy with that. And equally from his perspective he shouldn't expect/demand a partner to be ok with that either.
I agree totally. It’s all about priorities. I don’t know these people. I don’t know if he is really committed to playing poker seriously or if it’s just a pipe dream. But SHE knows him. She is the one who needs to find that out and determine if she can live with that. He certainly is not under any obligation to quit playing poker. But likewise she is not under any obligation to stay in the relationship if he insists on playing poker such that he has no time for her. Again it’s about their priorities. Is having a relationship where her partner can spend a lot of time with her a big priority? If so, then is that relationship a bigger priority for him than poker? Obviously, only OP and her boyfriend can answer those questions.
What she should avoid at all costs is the mindset that “He says he wants to play poker all the time, but I can change him.” That isn’t fair to him, and it likely will only lead to unhappiness for both of them. It also could be harmful to others, especially if she thinks that having a child might change his priorities. If he wants to prioritize poker, and she doesn’t accept that and tries to change him, IMO it won’t work out well for either of them.
School is a job.
Studying is a part time job.
Poker is a job.
Your BF has three jobs. Having more than a few minutes a day together is just not gonna happen.
Fwiw I play cash games professionally, I'm a Psychotherapist, I coach poker, and I'm launching a poker product. I still make lots of time for my partner. At the end of the day, if something is important to you, you find the time.
I would be having a conversation and as others have said see if he’s willing to play less days as the best day for tournaments are Sunday.
Maybe he can take up cash games as well casually as it might lead to less hours in big blocks so you can still spend time with him every day.
Sit down and definitely have a calm chat and explain how you feel and maybe ask that he may try playing less hours for a week or two and see if that feels better and just approach it pragmatically.
