2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
Maybe this is already a thing in some way.
I think teams should have the option to buy-out of a player's contract without it affecting their cap.
Sadly, there is not. The only real provisions that exist at the ability to accelerate cap hits to be immediate so you can effectively "pull the band-aid" off earlier.
Also there are things like off-sets in rookie deals, but those are used so rarely they basically don't count
I will still buy Caleb stock at a far higher price than Jayden stock
Was surprised to see that just passed Mercury Morris was leading the Dolphin dynasty in touchdowns over Csonka the legendary battering ram. Seems weird. Morris was a great runner in the Walter Payton mold, smallish, heavily muscled, with an unbridled running style. Beautiful to watch.
He had superior ypc stats, one year rivaling the modern record for most ypc by a RB (non-QB) thousand yard rusher, at 6.4 per, but he didn't quite reach 1000 that year. Too bad he was never heavily featured during his prime. He was a combination poor man's Walter Payton/Gayle Sayers blend, and that's saying something. He's fourth all-time on the list of ypc career, so that's not a poor man, and was consistently higher than lauded teammate Csonka behind the same line.
Interesting after story in the big bust. He seemed like a great, energetic, dynamo type guy, cheerful and always smiling. One of the good guys it seemed. I don't know much about the legal trouble, remember it only vaguely. Then he became a motivational speaker.
While I’m not going to sit here arguing Daniels is a lock star, it is by any metric alarming that Caleb is struggling this badly when the bears invested this much in ensuring whoever was QB1 had no shortage of talent around him
A league average qb should be able to trick people into thinking he’s a star with this WR room
"NFL insider Adam Schefter has announced on his Twitter account that several teams have contacted Carolina already about the maybe Young trade. Among them? The Dolphins."
This cant be true, can it? As a Jets fan this would bring me so much joy.
"NFL insider Adam Schefter has announced on his Twitter account that several teams have contacted Carolina already about the maybe Young trade. Among them? The Dolphins."
This cant be true, can it? As a Jets fan this would bring me so much joy.
Next thing you know, the Dolphins will be making a run at Hurts to try to corner the ex-Bama qb market.
those who heap praise after three results
are often the same who quickly refrain from critiquing losses after a similar sample size
profuse excuses either way
While I’m not going to sit here arguing Daniels is a lock star, it is by any metric alarming that Caleb is struggling this badly when the bears invested this much in ensuring whoever was QB1 had no shortage of talent around him
A league average qb should be able to trick people into thinking he’s a star with this WR room
Surrounding a rookie QB with a decent O-line >>>>>>> fancy WRs
That Bears O-line is trash and most QBs would look bad playing behind them.
"NFL insider Adam Schefter has announced on his Twitter account that several teams have contacted Carolina already about the maybe Young trade. Among them? The Dolphins."
This cant be true, can it? As a Jets fan this would bring me so much joy.
I'll take Bryce over Skylar and Snoopy all day. It wouldn't excite me.
"NFL insider Adam Schefter has announced on his Twitter account that several teams have contacted Carolina already about the maybe Young trade. Among them? The Dolphins."
This cant be true, can it? As a Jets fan this would bring me so much joy.
Dolphins would make less than 0 sense unless they expect tua is gone for the year considering how long it would take to ramp him up to the offense
Guess it couldn’t hurt to try. Gun to my head:
1. Raiders
2. Titans
3. Giants
4. Vikings
And assuming schefter is right 5. Dolphins
Can’t think of a single other team who would knock on that door
Great interview with Mercury. The Morris part starts a few minutes in.
Raiders lockerroom is all over the place. Devonte Adams claiming Raiders were all about drafting Daniels. Head coach threatens Minshew job this week and Crosby out there backing the legend. He is gonna need a win this week.
"Gardner's our guy. We know that," Crosby said on SiriusXM's Let's Go Podcast. "Obviously we love Aidan. Aidan's a stud. He helped us win a lot of games last year. But Gardner's our guy. At the end of the day, I just wanna win. Gardner's our quarterback, he's our captain, and he has done a hell of a job so far. I mean, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't good enough, but it's across the board. It's not just Gardner, it's not just the o-line, or receiver, whoever it is, it's a collective group effort.”
Player A career
38% Win%
63.2% Comp%
3.3% TD%
2.1% INT%
84.5 Passer Rating
5.66 ANY/A
Player B career
37% Win%
64.0% Comp%
3.3% TD%
2.1% INT%
84.9 Passer Rating
5.18 ANY/A
One of these is the second highest paid player in the NFL, the other is Daniel Jones
Player A career
38% Win%
63.2% Comp%
3.3% TD%
2.1% INT%
84.5 Passer Rating
5.66 ANY/A
Player B career
37% Win%
64.0% Comp%
3.3% TD%
2.1% INT%
84.9 Passer Rating
5.18 ANY/A
One of these is the second highest paid player in the NFL, the other is Daniel Jones
But how many top 100 pass catchers have both of them had in their careers?
Mr Watson confirming that he gives zero ****s
CIN's Trey Hendrickson far and away the league's top edge player to start the season
too bad he's the only bungles' dlineman w a pulse
CMC gone til week 13 you say
I found the Dolphins' next QB!
LOL Granny Dimes
stiill better than skylar thompson
heads or tails
A or B
and also happily translated for my friends who happen to identify as binaries in a gold mine
0 or 1
hypothetical situation: you must make a selection now before the ability to proceed is granted
clicking on the corresponding spoil button commits you to the reprocussions of your initial decision for the rest of your journey
however limited
you have not yet been granted the ability to rewind or reset your position on the situation
and it most likely will not happen within the boundry of your lifetime
A:
Spoiler
B:
Spoiler
either way, this is where you end up
