2025 NFL Off Season Thread

Because injuries are never just bad luck when Kyle Shanahan is your head coach, and the numbers bear it out. Bryan Knowles of FTN reported that since Shanahan took over in San Francisco, no team has averaged more Adjusted Games Lost than this one. This man rides his players harder than a jockey on cocaine. So perhaps that explains why LT Trent Williams was lost for the back half of 2024. Or why WR Brandon Aiyuk tore up his knee shortly after signing a new deal. Or why—again, via Knowles—San Francisco’s offensive core was only together for 57 total snaps all season long last season. ****, for all I know Shanny was the guy who shot WR Ricky Pearsall before last season even started. All of the pieces fit.

[...] These Niners only beat two winning teams all season long.

Your coach: Kyle Shanahan, whose fondest wish is to blow a third Super Bowl in overtime before he dies.

Your quarterback: Itsy bitsy teeny weeny sentient propeller beanie Brock Purdy, who just got a fat contract extension that he most assuredly tithed to the Church Of No Gays. Our little guy is no longer the tastiest bargain in the NFL, which means that you and I don’t have to treat him like some college kid who just made a half-court shot to win a scholarship. Purdy costs real money now, which means he better deliver RESULTS or else he’ll be re-denied entrance to every roller coaster on the Western Seaboard.

Purdy also gets hurt a lot, can’t throw a wet football, and is the last guy you want behind center if your team happens to be trailing. And even when he’s good, he’s not THAT good. Purdy threw for an anemic 20 TDs all last season, a number that his former backup Sam Darnold nearly doubled in one season on the job with Minnesota. Darnold could be your QB right now, Niners fans. And for cheaper than this Ford Festiva of a quarterback.

And who’s that I see warming up behind Purdy at camp? Why, that’s legendary draft-night smokescreen Mac Jones, whose greatest achievement was winning a football game where he passed the ball three times. Merge Purdy and Jones into a single passer, and you get Andy Dalton. What a coup. This is not the QB room you want on hand when you look at the rest of San Francisco’s roster, because…

What’s new that sucks: … [Jim McKay voice] They’re gone. They’re all gone. This past offseason saw an exodus of talent that has even our federal workforce gasping. Gone are WR/RB/HB/KR/PR/LS Deebo Samuel, CB Charvarius Ward, LB Leonard Floyd, LB Dre Greenlaw, CB Isaac Yiadom, G Aaron Banks, WR Chris Conley, T Jaylon Moore, S Talanoa Hufanga, and RBs Elijah Mitchell and Jordan Mason. I’d list more names, but the internet only has so much space.

The loss of Mason, a wildly productive back whom GM John Lynch traded to Minnesota for pennies on the dollar, is particularly baffling when you consider the plight of star RB Christian McCaffrey. McCaffrey suffered a torn PCL that cut his 2024 season short. Then, just this offseason, he was dogged by a nasty case of tendinitis in his Achilles (uh oh) that he’d first noticed a year ago (UH OH). As a result, our man flew to Germany for experimental treatment on that ankle. Now the team is limiting his reps in camp. Shanahan will give CMC 50 carries in Week 1, which should be enough to Tyrese Haliburton the poor bastard for good. Dre Greenlaw knows of what I speak.

The rest of this core is similarly fragile. Aiyuk is on PUP to start camp, as was Pearsall not but a week ago. Fellow wideout Jauan Jennings, who’s already asked for a trade out of here, is nursing a calf injury. Williams is now 37 years old, and newly extended TE George Kittle isn’t getting younger, either. As for outside help, Lynch only brought in WR Demarcus Robinson this offseason to help patch up the hull. He didn’t even select an offensive player in the draft until the fourth round. Good thing Brock Purdy knows how to run for 1,000 yards in a single season.

[...] But the real fortifications came via the draft, when they took DE Mykel Williams and DT Alfred Collins in the first two rounds. Williams told the press that he played all of his final UGA season on a bum ankle. Next time CMC flies to Germany to have horseshoe crab blood injected into his leg, he’ll have a travel buddy.

[...] both pundits and nerdy math nerds believe this team will revert back to excellence in 2025. This is because you guys have both South divisions on your schedule. It’s not because people actually think you’re, like, good. You’re not. The O-line is only good if Williams stays healthy. The backfield is only good if CMC stays healthy. The wideouts are only effective if Aiyuk and Jennings stay healthy, and if Pearsall finally learns to dodge oncoming bullets. The defense is only good if LB Fred Warner stays 28 years old forever.

What has always sucked: Aren’t you sick to death of all of these people? Haven’t you had enough of Kyle Shanahan, who gets treated like the greatest offensive mind to ever live right before he blows another 10-point lead? Can you stomach one more goddamn sentence that contains “Brock Purdy” and “Mr. Irrelevant” in it? And aren’t you tired of this organization being treated like the standard-bearer for the NFL when it has exactly as many titles this century as the ****ing Browns do? You guys used to have Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Steve Young. Now you have a rock shrimp QB whose every start should be presented in Slimetime format. Some ****ing juggernaut you are.

Speaking of paper tigers, what about the area that this team plies its trade in? Eighteen years ago, these people gave us the iPhone. Since then, they’ve accomplished exactly as much as the Niners have. Thanks to these ****ers, we now have fake money, ride-share services that match you with the nearest available sex offender, legless metaverses, search engines that can’t find anything, and artificial intelligence bots that don’t know how to ****ing spell. No wonder Kyle Shanahan gets tagged as an innovator anytime he calls a bootleg.

HEAR IT FROM 49ERS FANS!

Patrick:

This team drives me insane. For the past 22 years, they have either made it to the NFC Championship game/Super Bowl or completely missed the playoffs. It's a wild emotional rollercoaster that has left me a sad, broken fan without the capacity for hope or optimism. Will I continue to shell out dollars for season tickets? Of course I will, but I hate myself for it.

Rokit:

In 1995 you might have seen the TV series “Space: Above and Beyond,” about a squad of US Marines fighting a space war against “Chig" extraterrestrials in the year 2064. It only lasted one season and ended on a major cliffhanger that will never be resolved. One of the Marine characters was a big fan of the San Francisco 49ers, and he was always **** upon by his fellow Marines because the Niners had not won the Super Bowl in 70 years.

Since the day the show originally aired, the "Space: Above and Beyond" curse has been 100% accurate against the 49ers in exactly the same way the Cubs were cursed for a century because of a goat, the Red Sox cursed when they traded away Babe Ruth, and why no Frenchman has won the Tour de France in the last 40 years.

Chris:

The 49ers point differential by quarter last year:
1st: +37
2nd: +10
3rd: -17
4th: -77

This is the Kyle Shanahan Effect.

Shanahan also chose to kick FGs from the 10, 2, and 7 yard lines in a 24-23 loss to Arizona.

Andy:

We haven't won a Super Bowl since I was in college, so my second wife has no idea what I look like happy.