2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
Carolina's entire team is in the bottom 1 of the NFL.
Staley would find a way to lose this game. I highly doubt Harbaugh does.
I was actually contemplating whether Jaycee Horn was refusing to sign an extension because they’re so bad. You’d think it would be a huge risk to turn down giant $$ given he’ll have to get through his 5yo and then they could franchise him but if I was a top player at my position and starting down years more of futility I’d find it really hard to stay
Maybe he can demand a trade?
I was actually contemplating whether Jaycee Horn was refusing to sign an extension because they’re so bad. You’d think it would be a huge risk to turn down giant $$ given he’ll have to get through his 5yo and then they could franchise him but if I was a top player at my position and starting down years more of futility I’d find it really hard to stay
Maybe he can demand a trade?
As far as I've heard, there haven't been any serious discussions from either side. He may be apprehensive about agreeing to play long-term for a franchise run by Tepper. We're apprehensive about his injury history. He didn't exactly play well last week. But nobody did.
As far as I've heard, there haven't been any serious discussions from either side. He may be apprehensive about agreeing to play long-term for a franchise run by Tepper. We're apprehensive about his injury history. He didn't exactly play well last week. But nobody did.
yep, I didn't watch a second of your game last week but pff didn't like his game.
IDK, you'd think he'd get a 1 + something else from someone and maybe that would be enough for Morgan if he's being given the long term to re-build the team
almost the biggest failure of the previous regimes is that this truly terrible team with a rookie QB and basically zero stars only has $5m in cap space despite having 1 player over $10m
(sorry heels)
I like Dolphins tonight to cover, if I was actually betting it. I watched most of Cards-Bills (I was on BUF in Survivor) and the numbers don't support the eye test, but I thought Arizona moved the ball okay for essentially having zero MHJ involvement. I think the big hangup is Miami offense will be too much for Buffalo D to handle. Still think Buffalo is a solid team.
L
i was gonna say i liked the bills to cover, then again i thought the game was in buffalo. play bad, get there
I can absolutely see the dolphins trading for Lance tomorrow
sorry tua
dolphins fans the rest of the season can look forward to doing this:
Last NFL holdout is funny. Reddick vs Jets
“They have not talked since the end of March,” Schultz said on “Speak.” “That is six months of no communication whatsoever.”
Schultz said the Jets won’t make Reddick an offer until he reports to their facility, while Reddick has maintained that he won’t show up until the team makes what he considers a fair offer.
lol
Think Reddick is right, they knew he wanted a new deal before the trade. He is simply asking for a fair offer. Make...an offer.. Why does he have to be there?
I had zero doubt I was going to be right about Tua and that contract, just wish it didn't go down like this.
I was just reading this actually. I'm going to ignore that we're 2 weeks into this year.
2024: $1.25 fully guaranteed
2025: $25M fully guaranteed
2026: $39M guaranteed for injury
2027: $31M guaranteed for injury
So if he just "Ben Simmons's" it and comes back but is never cleared to play because his brain is scrambled and he's still seeing bright lights and vivid colors, the Dolphins are on the hook for a shitload of money for however long that takes.
If he opts to retire tomorrow, they can claw that Signing bonus ($42M) and remaining guaranteed money back and it WILL NOT affect their salary cap, assuming all parties agree and/or Tua loses in almost certain arbitration to follow. If they somehow just say "Nah, you keep the money because we're nice people" (lol), MIA is going to take a ~$90M cap hit.
https://atozsports.com/nfl/miami-dolphin...
If it's not ruled as injury-related, Miami would owe Tagovailoa about $90 million on top of the $42 million already paid out.
is that part wrong? they would still owe him 90 million on top of the signing bonus??????
https://atozsports.com/nfl/miami-dolphin...
If it's not ruled as injury-related, Miami would owe Tagovailoa about $90 million on top of the $42 million already paid out.
is that part wrong? they would still owe him 90 million on top of the signing bonus??????
Yes...probably.
"Guaranteed for injury" applies if the player is either 1) under contract but can't play because of injury (duh) or 2) the injury is so severe that the team can't clear him and has to cut him.
What we're talking about is Tua retiring. For obvious reasons, a guy like Mahomes can't sign a contract for 10 years/800 million with injuries guarantees, get a hang nail, and say "Welp, thanks for the bag, I'm out". The team would clear him, it would go to arbitration, and he'd lose.
Ignoring that everyone points to Tua being stubborn and not retiring, it would take either a bunch of doctors collectively saying he's unable to play anymore or specific language in Tua's contract allowing him to retire if he got another C-word. Given his history, maybe his agent got it in there, who knows.
Or, in a clearer way from someone smarter than I am
Yes...probably.
"Guaranteed for injury" applies if the player is either 1) under contract but can't play because of injury (duh) or 2) the injury is so severe that the team can't clear him and has to cut him.
What we're talking about is Tua retiring. For obvious reasons, a guy like Mahomes can't sign a contract for 10 years/800 million with injuries guarantees, get a hang nail, and say "Welp, thanks for the bag, I'm out". The team would clear him, it would go to arbitration, and he'd lose.
Ignoring
ya i'm thinking about where if he's ruled fine to play and he retires anyway and it's ruled not an injury retirement, the sportrac tweet seems more accurate than that article meaning no 90 mill on top of the signing bonus. Still seems like an easy angle shoot to sign a new contract with a hefty signing bonus and then retire soon thereafter after any minor injury
how is it an 'angle shoot' when MIA's FO had total information?
ya i'm thinking about where if he's ruled fine to play and he retires anyway and it's ruled not an injury retirement, the sportrac tweet seems more accurate than that article meaning no 90 mill on top of the signing bonus. Still seems like an easy angle shoot to sign a new contract with a hefty signing bonus and then retire soon thereafter after any minor injury
There's not really an easy way to "angle shoot" here.
If you retire, the team can claw back your signing bonus, which then no longer counts against the cap, and obviously you don't get future guaranteed salary as you aren't playing.
And again, you can't just "retire due to a minor injury". You have to be medically retired from football, which requires several doctors to say that you can't play. Tua is going to be cleared. He's going to be able to play. He'll have to make a decision if his present is worth his future, but it's highly unlikely that doctors are going to find that he's not able to play in the here and now.
The NFL approved the use of the Guardian Caps in regular season games this year. I found where a few players wore them in pre-season, but evidently nobody wants to be the 1st one to wear it during a regular season game and be seen as a pussy by the rest of the league.
If there was ever a poster child for promoting the use of Guardian Caps, it would be Tua.
Granted, I think they look goofy. But if enough players started wearing them, after a while it would just be the new normal.
The NFL approved the use of the Guardian Caps in regular season games this year. I found where a few players wore them in pre-season, but evidently nobody wants to be the 1st one to wear it during a regular season game and be seen as a pussy by the rest of the league.
If there was ever a poster child for promoting the use of Guardian Caps, it would be Tua.
Granted, I think they look goofy. But if enough players started wearing them, after a while it would just be the new normal.
Colts TE Kylen Granson has worn one in the regular season:
“At one point people thought seatbelts were f—ing stupid,” Granson told The Athletic on Thursday. “Why wouldn’t I (wear it)? Just because it looks silly? I feel like health and safety is more important than aesthetics.”
