2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
What teams would you take behind them? Not saying the Jets are good, but the bottom third of the league is pretty trash.
I’d listen to arguments for the Bears, Broncos and Phins, but not sure I’d be convinced.
Jets definitely ahead of the rest.
Broncos
But even if the consensus disagrees. The easiest solution would be to move them to the 'Better than bad but not good' tier, because that's literally what they are.
Chargers, Steelers, Broncos all of interest to me. Schedules get vastly more difficult in second half for all three.
Similarly most interested to see how Bucs, Cards and Rams fair going forward. They've all had tough first half schedules and it gets easier going forward.
Bucs might be most impressive. If you had a blindfold on their record and knew the strength of their opponents (Commanders, Lions, Broncos, Eagles, Falcons x2, Saints, Ravens, Chiefs) I doubt anyone would give them credit for 4 wins.
I was very close to taking Broncos Over wins total before the season... something held me back though.
Lol Cowboys. Thanks.
Jerruh trading for a shite WR because that's exactly what they need.
Mike Williams to Steelers for a 5th. I think Steelers did well with that one. He can out muscle anyone for the ball, not sure why it didnt work out well for him in NY, but I think he is big weapon
I am confused with these iphone notifications, they stack when I have list selected, click one all vanish. Grrr. Wake me when its over.
Chargers, Steelers, Broncos all of interest to me. Schedules get vastly more difficult in second half for all three.
Similarly most interested to see how Bucs, Cards and Rams fair going forward. They've all had tough first half schedules and it gets easier going forward.
Bucs might be most impressive. If you had a blindfold on their record and knew the strength of their opponents (Commanders, Lions, Broncos, Eagles, Falcons x2, Saints, Ravens, Chiefs) I doubt anyone would give them credit for 4
TB also gave one away against ATL.
PIT have beaten ATL, DEN, LAC, LV, NYJ, and NYG. Of course LV and NYG are bad, but ATL and LAC look good for the playoffs with DEN an outside chance.
They play CLE twice, get CIN and BAL at home, and are a 2.5 pt dog against WAS. I see 4 wins there, so 10-7 (assuming they lose at PHI and home to KC).
I'll just rank the bottom teams.
23. Colts: Feel as if the roster is actually in a good spot but is missing that key component. They could surprise this year but likely need to make a big splash or get very lucky in the offseason
24. Dolphins: Another roster that is decent and likely just a few players away from competitive. Big issue is the QB and how to do from here.
25. Jets: I don't really have words for this franchise. They and the Raiders just seem lost at sea. It's not embarrassing but its always teetering on it.
26. Browns: It's clear why they are as bad as they are. I just don't know how it really gets fixed. Probably the one spot that if Shedeur does go here we could see a transformation ala Washington.
27. Giants: The GM likely needs to be let go. Daboll is probably ok as a head coach but just was stuck in a very bad situation, one that he did the most he possibly could. I wouldn't move on from Daboll because he is going to be hired immediately as either an OC or as HC somewhere else.
28. Patriots: Was always going to be a lost year. But seeing decent flashes out of Maye with the current roster is awesome. Travis Hunter or McMillian would be absolutely huge for this organization. I do think they need a solid veteran signing at the WR to help.
29. Raiders: In a normal "bad" NFL year they would be at the bottom. The Pierce hiring was questionable at the time but looks worse weekly. The team is unprepared and the random moves at QB is helping noone. Gardner has clearly looked the best of the bunch. Is it good? Hell no, but throwing Ridder in there was a joke. I'm sure Mark Davis will hang onto him until 2028.
30. Panthers: Another head scratcher of how they are handling the QB situation. Dalton should have started week 1 and allow Bryce to slowly get involved OR stick with bryce entirely and just let it ride. I don't necessarily believe its ever bad to let a young QB that you invested in to play. And Bryce IS improving. Is he likely closer to Josh Rosen than he is to Baker Mayfield? Hell yeah, but just let him play.
31. Saints: I have no idea what their future looks like. Losing to the Panthers is as close to rock bottom as an organization can be. The Carr move has been nothing short of a disappointment. They will fix their cap situation but they are going to likely be committing to a true, full on rebuild that will take a few years to settle.
32. Jaguars: Hapless organization that somehow has a bottom 3 owner. I would say he's the worst in the sport but I don't want to upset Panther and Jet fans that would prefer that disctinction. There is no light at the end of this tunnel and I half expect Jason Garrett or Matt Rhule to be the head coach in 2025. Though I'm still not believing that Khan will move on past Pederson yet. The fact that Press Taylor still has a job with what he is doing with TLaw is shocking. And the most bullshit comment I have in all this, Trevor actually hasn't looked bad. WR's are just off. The last throw this week was not good. But he is being let down but a lot of bad routes, bad drops, and ineptitude along the line. Is he to blame? Sure, he is the QB and getting paid and you can't make that throw even if the OC is screaming in your ear about the matchup as you're walking up to the line. They won't let him develop and have the freedom that a veteran QB should have and with that its coaching malpractice. The staff needs to go.
2024 NFL POWER RANKINGS - WEEK NINE
Superbowl Contenders
1. Chiefs (8-0)
2. Lions (7-1)
3. Ravens (6-3)
4. Bills (7-2)
5. Vikings (6-2)
6. Eagles (6-2)
Playoff Teams
7. Packers (6-3)
8. Commanders (7-2)
9. Niners (4-4)
10. Texans (6-3)
11. Falcons (6-3)
12. Steelers (6-2)
Enigmas
13. Rams (4-4)
14. Bengals (4-5)
15. Bucs (4-5)
16. Chargers (5-3)
17. Cardinals (5-4)
18. Seahawks (4-5)
19. Jets (3-6)
Better than bad but not good
20. Bears (4-4)
21. Broncos (5-4)
22. Cowboys (3-5)
23. Dolphins (2-6)
24. Colts (4-5)
Bad teams
25
What did the Cardinals do to you to make you hate them so much? How do you possibly have San Fran and both LA teams ahead of them when they've beaten all 3? Their 4 losses are to teams you have ranked 8 or higher. I appreciate the effort and all, but damn. How about a little respect for the division leader?
if you guys get free money, you can still get in on the Bills winning the division at -5000.
Bet $5k and win $100!
Come on, Needle. You know the Panthers are legit the worst team in the league and in a far worse situation than the Jags.
What did the Cardinals do to you to make you hate them so much? How do you possibly have San Fran and both LA teams ahead of them when they've beaten all 3? Their 4 losses are to teams you have ranked 8 or higher. I appreciate the effort and all, but damn. How about a little respect for the division leader?
when you see ec_outlaw lay out such passionate air tight defense of arizona
please remember how queazy cardinal laws made the constitution of the Warsaw population feel circa 1760's
What did the Cardinals do to you to make you hate them so much? How do you possibly have San Fran and both LA teams ahead of them when they've beaten all 3? Their 4 losses are to teams you have ranked 8 or higher. I appreciate the effort and all, but damn. How about a little respect for the division leader?
Do you think the Steelers are a top 5 team because they are 6-2 and a division leader? Some people do. I do not.
The actual results of the games don't matter as much to me as how it happened. If we sorted by records or by single game results we would go in circles.
DVOA has SF as way better, LAC marginally better, and ARI marginally better than LAR.
Cardinals have a 5-4 record and a negative point differential. That alone says enough. Three of their five wins are by a combined 4 points (!). Yes, they blew out of the Rams and Bears but when they play bad, they are very bad.
I think anywhere from 14-18 is a fair ranking for them.
Cardinals have been thoroughly impressive at times and very unimpressive at other times. I have no idea how good or a bad they are, but they have been good lately. We will find out in these next 4 weeks (yes, I think the Jets are a good opponent and actually the better team, well at least if they had real coaching).
Cardinals have been thoroughly impressive at times and very unimpressive at other times. I have no idea how good or a bad they are, but they have been good lately. We will find out in these next 4 weeks (yes, I think the Jets are a good opponent and actually the better team, well at least if they had real coaching).
just call kyler murray calamari except for pods of squid games broadcast in alabama
Cardinals have been thoroughly impressive at times and very unimpressive at other times. I have no idea how good or a bad they are, but they have been good lately. We will find out in these next 4 weeks (yes, I think the Jets are a good opponent and actually the better team, well at least if they had real coaching).
haha CArdinals are gonna roll on Sunday. Not that I think they're some top 5 team. Just the Jets are trash.
I can confirn that the Jets are indeed trash.
trash that has been torn apart and devoured by rats who were denied pizza on the subway
I want Jets to lose just to see what happens with Tom Grossi's scriptwriter storyline
I can't remember if you've ever been inside the building permanently?
What is Baalke's magic power that he keeps his job? surely this is the year that it ends
IMO Jags are a likely Bellichick team and with Lawrence there, I'd think he'd believe they're more attractive than Raiders and I just can't see him matching with Jerruh
predictions on the future TLaw rebound script?
Rams above cards is pretty LOL. Agree with 9ers above.
