Joke of the day
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where heknows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful tohis wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I madelove to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partnerwhipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
got distracted looking for mother teresa angles at first but well played
Took me 45 seconds but I got it lolol
Hey! You guys want to hear my potassium joke?
No?
K
Seems like everything is made in China nowadays.
Spoiler
Except for babies, they're still made in vachina.
I was on a plane one time and the stewardess asked me "would you like headphones?"
Spoiler
I said "yes, and how did you know my name is Phones?"
I downloaded the Titanic soundtrack.
Spoiler
It's syncing now.
Lately I've been going to a support group for procrastinators.
Spoiler
It's called Wait Watchers
My bicycle kept steering me the wrong way.
Spoiler
So I went to a cycologist
I want to have a beer with krunic at open mic night.
When I was a kid I made it to the finals of the national spelling bee. When it was my turn the judge said "your word is: harassment." I spelled it out, and the judge said "correct, now use it in a sentence." So I said "I used to be in love with this girl, and her ass meant a lot to me."
Pulled out a nose hair
today to see if it hurt...
Judging by the reaction
of the man asleep next
to me on the bus, it
seems pretty painful..
My Grandma, who never exercised a day in her life, started walking 3 miles a day when she was 80 years old. She turned 92 today and we still have no idea where she is.
Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"
"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"
"Jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again!"
LOL
good one, vp
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
Spoiler
None
Spoiler
Too Soon?
More a chat-up line, results may vary greatly.
"One advantage of dating me is you'll save a lot of money on toilet paper"
A cardiologist died and was given
elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during theservice.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heartthen closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral.. I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
I've been trying to "get" these 2+2 jokes on my phone while lying in bed, but they're over my head.
Hey guys! I started a new band called 999 Megabytes. Hope y'all can come see us soon!
Spoiler
sadly we don't have a gig yet :p
bwahahaha
HEADLINE
Spooked Police Horse Throws Officer and Injured a Patron at the State Fair of Texas
(True Story)
Spoiler
The horse has been suspended without hay
Rapid fire:
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
