1/3 Grinding and Bankroll

Good rest, read up on mental health law a little in preparation for the new hopefully job. I feel a sense of excitement for this one I don’t recall having as much before.

Anyway lattes massage a little post-illness exercise then hit the felt.

Ran well yesterday, played 10/10/50/sometimes 100 too. Won at mix and plo which was nice. AK722ds won at big o was the main one in the mix. AQJ54ds got quartered versus AA and 96532….

Freerolled other T8 no redraw with T8 nfd but didn’t get there in a big pot, but won QT986ds in 3! pot on 652QQ runout, someone flopped the straight and slowplayed. The game wasn’t that good, everyone had AA at showdown, so I left after a few hours.

Got plenty of sleep last night, close to 12 hours, really needed the rest. Everyone’s getting sick around this time of year. Lattes with protein powder maybe exercise and massage. Still no call back interview but it’s the holidays and the division chief said she’d be visiting her mom anyway.

Running about break even today, decided to help myself get into the work routine again I will take a little break from posting so my world isn’t so poker-centric.

Hopefully the next time I report I will have the new attorney gig representing people like me with mental disorders.

Good luck with the gig! Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays! 😀

Happy holidays to everyone following and supporting me, much love.

It’s 2025. My interviews went well, the last was a 3-member panel interview with the various department heads. Boss said I would hear from HR in 1-2 weeks.

The closer I get to getting this job, the less enthusiastic I become about poker. “I feel good about being a lawyer, I don’t feel good about being a poker player,” I told this pro. For the first time since I can remember when I walked into the poker room, I felt disappointment and sadness. The misregs and rude degens are even more irritating to be around than normal, and I started looking forward to not having to see them as often.

I also have a sense of impending fear and anxiety. Can I actually do the work? People like me don’t respond well to stress, and most of us are unemployed. This job will have its stressful times for sure, apparently clients have left the hospital and committed suicide. Coping with secondary trauma came up in the interviews twice. Do I like just the idea of helping these clients? Will I be able to handle the reality of being mentally ill and representing other sick people? I researched interacting with suicidal people and what colors people with mental impairments like (blue) so I can tailor my wardrobe accordingly. I’ve been reading up on mental
health law. I don’t remember being this motivated for my last job. This one hits closer to home.

As for poker, I have a New Year’s resolution to only run it once. My overpairs got cracked three times on the second board at 5/10/25 in two sessions and I decided enough was enough. Live poker variance is insane; after a stunning start to the year it ended for me with a sputter. Still a record breaking year though. I did better this year than I did last year working and playing.

What if something happens are I don’t get the job for some reason? I considered pro bono work at the local bar association. I would like to use my legal skills in some way. I feel it’s a waste of talent for me to just play poker all the time. That doesn’t help anyone but me and doesn’t fully apply seven years of higher education either.

What I know is that if the job works out, it will be another cool chapter in this story of my life. From criminal lawyer to mental patient and back, to pro poker player and coach to lawyer for mental patients. That’s one hell of a decade.

Good luck for 2025 Dumbo, very talented at both poker and law and I’m sure you are on the right path to get where you want to go whatever happens!

glgl

this thread was definitely some inspiration for my own poker goals and challenges for this year, keep it up

Thank you. This new role, if it happens, will be a good stepping stone to starting / funding a project focused on helping people with mental disabilities in prison.

Thank you and best of luck to you this year as well.

“Get the money and get out,” “some people play poker so long they lose their soul.” - Me

I’ve had my most successful year of poker ever and I want nothing more than to find something else to do with my time. The money and “cool factor” aren’t motivation enough anymore. I’ve climbed the ladder and reached some high stakes and I feel like as far as poker goes I’ve accomplished what I set out to do and I’m satisfied with my level of success. I’m a talented player across multiple variants but the enjoyment of learning new games and practicing mastery of them has worn off. Even as I make tens of thousands a month on average there is not much joy anymore. The periods of runbad are still abominable as ever and the rungood never seems to last long enough. I don’t want my happiness to be inextricably intertwined with variance; I want a deeper sense of fulfillment that numbers and chance alone cannot provide.

I’ve reckoned with the morality of this game. Years ago when I was visiting Vegas, one of Zefa’s roommates, a 5/T grinder, told me he wasn’t hurting anyone by playing which set poker professionals apart from other occupations. At the time I was naive, at the beginning of my journey, and agreed with him. Over time though I realized how wrong his view was. Poker players do hurt other people. They take their money, enable gambling addictions, and even contribute, intentionally or not, to ruining lives, families, and careers. The nature of the game is to take and it is an inherently selfish endeavor.

“It’s about what kind of person you want to be.” - Also me

I want to be a good person who helps people. I don’t want people to assume I am a liar, a cheat, an angler, a hopeless degen, a tax evader, or other unsavory traits too often associated with poker players. Joan Rivers wisely shouted to Annie Duke on an episode of The Apprentice, “you’re a pokah playa, a pokah playa! Trash! You don’t even use your real names!” I see unethical and antisocial behavior almost every day in the poker room. The bar is low for entrance into this profession. It doesn’t necessarily attract the most upstanding types. Thieves sit right next to me, I lose big pots to real criminals, I’ve even had to worry about human trafficking occurring right in front of me. Envy and hatred abound.

Increasingly I have started to understand that I’ve been using poker as a way to deal with the numbness of being highly medicated for serious mental illness. Antipsychotic drugs are powerful inhibitors of the pathways that regulate emotion. I don’t experience highs or lows like I used to off my meds. Between copious amounts of caffeine and gambling I get some semblance of dopamine rush that counteracts the meds’ numbing effect. I feel “alive.” Thankfully for me I am smart and talented and this affliction has not resulted in financial ruin for me- quite the contrary.

I hope there’s still time to escape this bottomless abyss and put my legal talents to use. Hopefully I’m not too late.

You're not -- it can be difficult to replace the thrill of winning a big pot or running a triple barrel bluff, but lifting weights and doing consistent cardio help a lot.

I've been gambling less and have been working out more often to compensate, the degen desire to seek out that next hit of dopamine can be strong but I've found exercise to be a great replacement.

You've got this! 💪

Thanks. I just read an article about a side effect of antipsychotic meds being gambling. Maybe that explains the whole thing now? Poker also keeps my mind occupied which helps a lot. Wandering thoughts are no good for me.

Anyway one thing I know is that my expectations of the poker world were too high and I was disappointed by people I should not have expected anything better of. If I came into the game knowing what I was getting myself into I probably would not have been so offended by other people’s often antisocial behavior.

If you don't wanna play poker professionally that is more than fine but you're way of thinking and what you wrote is flawed imo. Hate to break it to you, unfortunately there are scumbags and criminals in just about every walk of life and profession. I can give countless examples but there are many pieces OS in the law and the criminal justice system alone and I'm sure you've had to have come across some already. How about all the teachers and people who work with children and are supposed to be helping them but instead molest/abuse them? Should you not practice law or become a teacher if that's what you desire to do just because there are some really evil people in said professions? Should you not become a animal or human doctor because the vast majority of practices and pharmaceutical companies mark the medicine they prescribe up 50-100x and needlessly drive people in debt? Everybody you play poker with at a casino is a ADULT and nobody is forcing them to play and they make their own decisions there (including to put their money up and compete) and out in the real world. There are some really ****ty people in the poker world as we all know but there are also alot of really good people involved who raise money for charity etc and do a lot of good off the felt. I can go on and on but i think you understand my point. If you're truly feeling the way you are then you should definitely stop playing full time and do something else as your main source of income like you are currently pursuing, maybe playing very occasionally or just some home games with friends would actually make poker fun for you again. I wish you happiness and success whatever path you choose

Poker is not a helping profession so I don’t really see a strong comparison to law and medicine. Also unfortunately when there is a scandal in the poker world no one is surprised, it comes with the territory. Same cannot be said for other professions where good character and morals are expected and even tested / a requirement for entry into the profession.

I’m not saying we’re all bad, just more than other fields. I’ve met plenty of good people in the poker world who I consider friends.

I totally disagree with this: Poker players do hurt other people. They take their money, enable gambling addictions, and even contribute, intentionally or not, to ruining lives, families, and careers. The nature of the game is to take and it is an inherently selfish endeavor.

Sorry, but if people want to play poker, especially at the stakes you are playing, they are responsible for themselves. As long as you are honest, nothing else matters. In almost every profession, there are people who cheat, take advantage of others, etc.

I don't blame you for wanting to stop playing because it's not right for you, but I agree with ALLNITSGOBROKE: don't blame it on poker.

The bolded almost made me laugh out loud when thinking of some of the lawyers and doctors I know. Also, there are a zillion TV shows / movies about dubious lawyers and doctors, so I'm pretty sure no one is surprised when it's real life 😉

Poker attracts the worst of the worst amongst people. There are good people in poker, just like every other profession. There are just more morally bankrupt people per capita than the other professions.

There are also people playing that shouldn't play. Whether it's up to them or not isn't quite as black and white. Someone has a gambling addiction? Is that any different from alcoholism or drug addiction? Someone shows up to the table hammered and tripping on some kind of drugs? Do these people have rational thoughts when they come to the table? Are they doing it under their own power? And aren't these the type of players we target because they are the easy money?

Can you at least appreciate the irony of saying, straight-faced, "I'm tired of being around envious, hateful criminals all day, so I'm going to resume being a lawyer"?

You seem like a really smart, motivated dude. You should do whatever you want in life that keeps you motivated and happy. If that's law, poker, both, or neither you've proven to yourself, and others, that you're capable. But it seems like you feel like you have to mentally shut the door/burn the bridge with what came before to look forward to what's ahead and that seems really bad. I remember when you went full time with poker, you were speaking about the law profession in a similar way to how you're now speaking about poker. Seems counter intuitive and self deprecating.

You've never seen crooked attorneys/doctors/etc? What about attorneys that file class action suits where the victims make pennies and they become rich? Doctors who over prescribe pills and misdiagnose for money? Happens all the time - you should focus on your ability to make a lot of money right now in poker as nothing lasts forever and there's no guarantee you can match this years income next year or ever again even. You also have amazing freedom to do what you want - most people don't.

I agree that Dumbos is in a position many would envy, but I believe that "freedom" when comes to poker is overstated. My overall impression of this thread is that Dumbos has often felt constrained and stressed by poker even though he's been notably successful. While it'd be fair to say part of this negative experience derives from certain psychological-emotional traits, which he's been open about in a constructive and courageous way, there are structural issues with the poker life that mean success and freedom don't always correspond (keeping in mind that freedom is not only about material conditions or the absence of a 9 to 5 existence). I'd say a well-intentioned, morally aware lawyer can do more good than a poker player and I think Dumbos is well situated in this regard, although it wouldn't surprise me if he finds a number of institutional constraints when moving back into the law.

It’s obvious Dumbo hasn’t been running good in spite of putting in long hours. If he were still sunrunning we would be hearing about 100k challenges, making a presidents salary, buying condos, and retiring early instead of this daily doom and gloom wrt poker. There’s the saying “poker is a hard way to make an easy living”. Most people do not have the mental fortitude to deal with a downswing without falling apart and they’re better off working a traditional job.

Maybe I’m being too quick to turn my back on poker so quickly after everything it has given me. I really appreciate everyone’s perspective. You guys often help ground me. I can be a little impulsive and emotional after all as we all know….

My perspective of the law and medicine are informed by my personal experiences - and most of the people I know in these fields really want to do good for the world and other people. That’s the main reason I see such a big disconnect between law and poker. I applaud the noble players who use their winnings to do good things and I hope many others emulate them. I also don’t want my comments to come off as writing off all poker players; as I said, there are good ones with integrity and morals and bad ones. I would consider the people posting here to be some of the good ones!

Truthfully I think I am just mentally preparing myself for a big lifestyle change and rejecting poker is a coping mechanism to deal with that change and make the adjustment easier. Poker has been a stable routine for me for a while that gave me some structure and way to pass the time and keep my mind occupied and earn a living and that was very valuable for a person with my condition. It’s just not giving me the returns in terms of fulfillment I want anymore, and not just financially (going on a few month slightly winning/break even stretch).

And this new job seems really fulfilling and feel good and I want to make the transition as easy as possible recognizing that I’ve been playing full time for over a year now. I really want to succeed in the new role and hope my habits and illness don’t hold me back.

Is the new job assured yet? Hope it comes through for you.

No and that’s another reason I shouldn’t be counting my chickens yet. I’m supposed to hear back sometime starting tomorrow (1-2 weeks after my panel interview). I am pretty optimistic as the interviews went very well and my old colleague works in their office now and connected me to the head of the office who thought my qualifications were wonderful and pushed me through the hiring process quickly.

In other news I am on a weight gain challenge for this year. I want to gain 10-15 pounds. I am eating more calories and continue to exercise daily. I actually cut down on the rowing because cardio burns too many calories. This is good for my health as I have lost weight the past few years and feel like I could be in better shape. I’m probably underweight for my height.

I want to eat 2,000-2,500 calories every day. Today I had peanut butter sandwich, beef stew, avocado, cheese danish, and chicken Caesar salad …and iced coffee with cream and morning lattes with whole milk and some protein powder.