the game is the game

DAY 11

OVERALL

HOURS/HANDS/WON/EV WON

Decent day. I didn't play as much as I had planned because I hit a wall mid day and had 0 energy so I decided to take a nap and max late reg the Stars 50k around 2100est. Made a small run but couldn't keep up and busted 172/1,123. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was playing my game again. One thing I love about poker is being able to play my game for long periods and not care about whether I win or lose. It is the most beautiful thing to me about poker. When I get stuck in the mental turmoil of sweating wins and losses I am truly a miserable human being that hates poker and thinks it's a stupid fvcking game. Staying in that loving frame of mind is my biggest challenge.

Plans for today is to review some tagged hands. Do some cardio and play 4-5 hours. Still alcohol free and not even going to mention it anymore unless I fail but at this point that's for sure a winning ticket.

LOL:

PartyGaming - $2 NL (6 max) - Holdem - 5 players
Hand converted by PokerTracker 4

Hero (UTG): $215.00
CO: $775.82 (VPIP: 19.88, PFR: 15.99, 3Bet Preflop: 7.84, Hands: 655)
BTN: $302.42 (VPIP: 22.65, PFR: 17.27, 3Bet Preflop: 8.84, Hands: 2,100)
SB: $192.45 (VPIP: 27.49, PFR: 21.31, 3Bet Preflop: 14.15, Hands: 513)
BB: $203.81 (VPIP: 65.35, PFR: 14.85, 3Bet Preflop: 6.67, Hands: 101)

SB posts SB $1.00, BB posts BB $2.00

Pre Flop: (pot: $3.00) Hero has 6♦ A♦

Hero raises to $5.00, fold, fold, fold, BB calls $3.00

Flop: ($11.00, 2 players) 2♠ 4♦ 5♠
BB checks, Hero bets $3.11, BB calls $3.11

Turn: ($17.22, 2 players) K♦
BB checks, Hero bets $8.13, BB calls $8.13

River: ($33.48, 2 players) T♦
BB checks, Hero bets $198.76 and is all-in, BB calls $187.57 and is all-in

BB shows K♥ 7♥ (One Pair, Kings)
(Pre 41%, Flop 21%, Turn 66%)
Hero shows 6♦ A♦ (Flush, Ace High)
(Pre 59%, Flop 79%, Turn 34%)
Hero wins $405.62

DAY 12

OVERALL

Looks like I picked the wrong month to stop sniffing glue. Also picked the wrong month to do daily updates. Managed 3 hours but as you can see I lost 4 or 5 stacks in about 5 minutes and couldn't handle it so threw in the towel. The accumulated tilt is really getting to me at times.

This is one of my worst stretches since last November where I played 100 hours for $20/hr which was about 4 times below my EV hourly. I remember being extremely stressed that month with Christmas around the corner but ended up smashing it in December for about $9k to end the year on a positive. The latest Mobius podcast talked about if you are searching your DB for bad variance periods it means you are spiraling. Maybe some truth to that LOL.

Been feeling existential lately. Something about spending 40 hours of my time and being stuck thousands feels like a waste. I know in the grand scheme it is not a waste and this will be one of the best things to happen to me and I will become stronger because of it but at the moment it is just frustrating to deal with mentally.

Anyways, I planned to take off today and take care of some things but I went to bed late and had to get up at 0730 to take my son to a function and was way too tired to stay awake so I went back to sleep and slept until 1400. Wasn't very motivated after that so I'm going to take off tomorrow instead and try to play 4 hours tonight.

Could be a do or die session. If I lose heaps again I may have to take a extended break and re-focus on my sanity over putting in volume.

#PrayforOP

GL tonight OP !
Dont put too much pressure on yrself tho

#graphsaremeaningless

#mainlyenjoyingthehandsandwrylifecommentary

Best of luck!

Mark my words you will be above EV and in the green by the end of the month.

ty bro and you are 100% right

appreciate you, glad you enjoy

ty bro i like the way you're thinking

DAY 13

OVERALL

A nice win to lead into my off day. I was at my most zen yesterday even after running OP into OP for stacks about 4x yesterday but I did a good job of listening to DumboTrunk wisdom and just let the game come to me and stop trying to force things. For the first time in a long time I was using different strategies for different tables instead of brute forcing my default strategy. Little things like opening tighter because the reg directly to my right is a super aggressive 3bettor so I can't open those fringe hands as liberally. Changing my SB strategy because the BB player is someone I study with and knows all about the tricks up my sleeve. Cold calling QQ to a 3b because the 3bettor is a nit reg with a 4% 3b. No distractions on the side like YouTube and what not.

Anyways, it feels nice to enjoy this day without having to stress about poker and in fact I can't wait to get back to it tomorrow. Plan for today is to get haircuts with the boy, hit the gym for a heavy chest day and to take care of some errands and honey do list stuff, squeeze in some study with Swerbs and then just going to chill and relax and practice some gratitude for what I have and for where I'm at.

HANDS

LOL:

PokerStars - $2 NL (6 max) - Holdem - 6 players
Hand converted by PokerTracker 4

BB: $203.00 (VPIP: 22.07, PFR: 18.67, 3Bet Preflop: 8.70, Hands: 22,709)
UTG: $234.67 (VPIP: 60.00, PFR: 6.67, 3Bet Preflop: 0.00, Hands: 31)
Hero (MP): $200.00
CO: $276.00 (VPIP: 28.38, PFR: 18.76, 3Bet Preflop: 7.61, Hands: 455)
BTN: $221.21 (VPIP: 23.26, PFR: 19.00, 3Bet Preflop: 8.59, Hands: 44,643)
SB: $252.31 (VPIP: 25.59, PFR: 19.85, 3Bet Preflop: 9.46, Hands: 8,381)

SB posts SB $1.00, BB posts BB $2.00

Pre Flop: (pot: $3.00) Hero has K♣ K♠

UTG raises to $6.00, Hero raises to $18.00, fold, fold, fold, fold, UTG calls $12.00

Flop: ($39.00, 2 players) 6♠ T♠ 3♠
UTG bets $18.53, Hero calls $18.53

Turn: ($76.06, 2 players) A♠
UTG checks, Hero bets $40.60, UTG raises to $194.86, Hero calls $122.87 and is all-in

River: ($403.00, 2 players) 4♠

UTG shows 9♥ J♠ (Flush, Ace High)
(Pre 15%, Flop 3%, Turn 0%)
Hero shows K♣ K♠ (Flush, Ace High)
(Pre 85%, Flop 97%, Turn 100%)
Hero wins $400.00

I MUST BLUFF WAY TOO MUCH:

PokerStars - $2 NL (6 max) - Holdem - 5 players
Hand converted by PokerTracker 4

UTG: $214.11 (VPIP: 26.61, PFR: 15.48, 3Bet Preflop: 3.51, Hands: 11,595)
CO: $217.87 (VPIP: 23.46, PFR: 17.37, 3Bet Preflop: 5.99, Hands: 16,485)
Hero (BTN): $408.43
SB: $246.73 (VPIP: 23.51, PFR: 19.21, 3Bet Preflop: 9.34, Hands: 44,199)
BB: $115.32 (VPIP: 46.48, PFR: 7.75, 3Bet Preflop: 1.35, Hands: 146)

SB posts SB $1.00, BB posts BB $2.00

Pre Flop: (pot: $3.00) Hero has 6♠ 6♦

fold, fold, Hero raises to $6.00, SB raises to $24.00, fold, Hero calls $18.00

Flop: ($50.00, 2 players) 9♦ A♥ 6♥
SB bets $15.68, Hero calls $15.68

Turn: ($81.36, 2 players) 4♣
SB checks, Hero bets $54.85, SB calls $54.85

River: ($191.06, 2 players) 4♥
SB checks, Hero bets $313.90 and is all-in, SB calls $152.20 and is all-in

Hero shows 6♠ 6♦ (Full House, Sixes full of Fours)
(Pre 19%, Flop 87%, Turn 95%)
SB shows Q♠ Q♥ (Two Pair, Queens and Fours)
(Pre 81%, Flop 13%, Turn 5%)
Hero wins $492.46

SPIDEY SENSE WAS TINGLING ON THIS ONE:

PartyGaming - $2 NL (6 max) - Holdem - 6 players
Hand converted by PokerTracker 4

SB: $249.72 (VPIP: 63.97, PFR: 8.11, 3Bet Preflop: 4.86, Hands: 941)
Hero (BB): $228.00
UTG: $200.00 (VPIP: 20.70, PFR: 16.57, 3Bet Preflop: 8.56, Hands: 1,431)
MP: $339.31 (VPIP: 35.38, PFR: 21.85, 3Bet Preflop: 6.30, Hands: 335)
CO: $200.00 (VPIP: 23.61, PFR: 18.23, 3Bet Preflop: 8.79, Hands: 2,483)
BTN: $207.67 (VPIP: 20.79, PFR: 16.38, 3Bet Preflop: 5.19, Hands: 887)

SB posts SB $1.00, Hero posts BB $2.00

Pre Flop: (pot: $3.00) Hero has Q♥ Q♠

fold, MP raises to $5.00, fold, BTN raises to $15.00, SB calls $14.00, Hero calls $13.00, MP calls $10.00

Flop: ($60.00, 4 players) 9♣ 2♥ 6♠
SB checks, Hero checks, MP checks, BTN checks

Turn: ($60.00, 4 players) Q♣
SB checks, Hero bets $80.00, fold, BTN calls $80.00, fold

River: ($220.00, 2 players) 8♠
Hero bets $133.00 and is all-in, BTN calls $112.67 and is all-in

Hero shows Q♥ Q♠ (Three of a Kind, Queens)
(Pre 19%, Flop 8%, Turn 95%)
BTN shows A♦ A♣ (One Pair, Aces)
(Pre 81%, Flop 92%, Turn 5%)
Hero wins $442.34

DAY 14-18

OVERALL

Just had a long write up get deleted because I misclicked closed the tab. Sigh.

Fought through a lot of adversity this week. All of it in my mind. I had a nice day off on Wednesday. Thursday turned into an unplanned day off because my H2N crashed and I spent all day to fix it. Friday I played a day session and won $1k in 4 hours. Tried to play another session that same night and lost $1k in one hour. After this I was completely demoralized. I went outside and sot on the bench and just looked at the stars wondering why tf does this keep happening to me? Poor me.

I woke up Saturday in a foul mood and had no motivation to play poker or to make an update. I logged on to see an update in Redsoxnets5 thread. A thread I've been following for many years. The update was devastating as it turns out he passed away tragically earlier in the week. I spent many of the hours afterwards trying to find info, reading twitter threads about him, and reading the last year of his updates. I never met the guy but it felt like I had lost a member of my family. I was pretty hurt and shook up about it.

Whether for better or worse, when something like this happens, there's a good chance that it will make you question your own mortality. I went from feeling completely depressed about poker to wondering if I had passed away suddenly how would I feel about never being able to play another hand of poker again? I meditated on this thought for most of the day while experiencing pockets of grief over Dan's passing.

Reading the last few pages is very eerie in hindsight. A lot of his posts this year were filled with frustration and anxiety of what lies ahead but also with a sense of faith and hope that everything was gonna work it's way out. Just makes me wonder what kind of demons he was dealing with after running bad for so long and then getting dropped abruptly by his backers and what that may have done to his self worth. I shouldn't speculate any further on this so I'll just leave it alone.

RIP Dan. You will be missed.

I feel like changing the subject at this point doesn't feel right. So I'll save the rest of my thoughts for another day.

♥

ctrl+shift+t

Ah ****, condolences man

This happened to me recently and it was gutwrenching. Had a big proper cry for the dude. There is no rhyme or reason to any of this on that front, it's all totally unfair.

Never knew that. Thank you bro.

Appreciate that Ceres.

DAY 19-22

OVERALL

Don't have much to say but wanted to get an update in. Been trying a different approach to how I do things. Focusing on just trying to play 2-2.5 hour session fully focused and deciding to extend it further if I'm feeling good and fresh or having the option to rack up if I'm feeling too stressed or fatigued.

It's been helping to make my sessions feel more manageable as I find it easier to put in 2 sessions this way throughout the day instead of playing for 5-8 hours straight and the tricks it will play on my mind pre-session where I'm thinking "Damn, I have to sit down and play for 4+ hours straight now?"

I know, I know. Builderman plays 4 hours and 10k hands before he brushes his teeth and washes his ass but for me the big grind is not something I can do everyday. Keeping it manageable on a daily basis is the approach that seems to work for me.

I've learned a lot about variance during this month. Not just from living through it but from reading a lot about it. Currently reading Real Poker Psychology by Mason and other random articles I found on the internet. I'll link a very good old school article by NoahSD at the bottom. The biggest insight I've learned is learning to come to grips with standard deviation which Mason says is just a fancy word for short term luck.

I've found for me that thinking of it in this way has helped me come to terms with how volatile the game can be, in both ways, up and down, and to embrace it and be prepared for it whenever you sit down and play. The only thing that smooths it out is time. Meaning that putting in a large amount of time or hands or hours will help to smooth out the variance as long as you are a long term winner of course.

With this new shift in perspective I can prepare myself mentally for the swings in advance. Before I sit down I can tell myself that I don't really control whether I win or lose for today. My SD is what it is and that means I'm going to swing 100bb/100 up or down on average but as long as I stay in the game and keep my wits about me over the long run the tough times don't last but the tough people do.

One good thing that I learned about myself this month is that thinking of variance in this mechanical and analytical way seems to work much better for me than thinking of it in the woo-woo way.

http:// http://www.nsdpoker.com/2011/03/...

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showp...

Mod edit removed personal identifying info. The link to the transaction thread is enough for this subforum.

Some more info has come to light.

BobbyPeru previously stole 20k from another backer who reached out to me after I posted the negative feedback. So he has a history of this.

Also while on the stake with us he was approaching private backers and trying to find a better profit split, so I assume he still the 14k in order to try to get a starting bankroll to go on his own dime.

When he downswings I imagine he will try to find another backer and eventually steal from them once again. People seemed to think he was a good guy, we did as well, but there is a dark history here. Sad to see. Hopefully he stops stealing someday.

He wrote here many years was always reading.

Sounds like got himself a head-start with a nice usd 34k bankroll 😉 .

GL bro!

Here I am. Tail fully tucked between legs. I feel horrible for how things ended and the in some moments the shame of it all brings me to tears. Pain that I suffer alone. By myself. In a parking lot glued to the seat staring at folks living normal lives smiling and laughing. In the bathroom when I can get away from my family and be alone with my thoughts while I draw a shower and contemplate how in the hell did I fuck up like this. I don’t say this to garner sympathy. Let’s be real. Nobody cares. But to paint the picture. That im a man. Deeply fallible. More than the rest. And I’m truly regretful for what I e done and for those I wronged. I’ve been through rock bottom enough times to know what it looks like and to know that that is where I’m at right now. I’m middle aged man without any true friends I can turn to. For an ear to bend. For a shoulder to dampen. I say that to say this. I’m used to it by now. But I had people that cared. Even though I never met them in the flesh. Protraj, Matteo, Luca, Russel, Estevan, Swerbs. You guys were the closest thing I had to true friendship. Besides my teenage son. But he doesn’t deserve to be burdened by my downfalls. But I miss you guys and I think of you often and fondly. My back is against the wall. And pokers my only way out. The one thing I can hang my hat on is that I’m elite at this game. Though the dichotomy is that I’ve had to sacrifice the type of things that you need in order to be a normal regular guy. A productive member of society. The type of guy that can wake up and go to sleep at the same time every day their entire lives. Work the same job for decades. Happy with the simple things in life. When I’m around other dads at my kids basketball games I can tell I’m not like the rest of them. They can tell too. I’ll just end things with this. I’m tired of hiding and I’m sorry for how things turned out even though it’s not what it seems. And I vow to make things right. Eventually. One hand at a time. For now that’s the best I can do.

Yo dude didnt u steal like 30k off backers or someshit?

U should stake him into tritons and he can go back to back in 250k mtts

I would rather see him staying in the dark for 3 more years, to then come back saying he worked his *** off and paid everything and is now 100% clean, than a post full of apologies while still owing other people money. People who do, not the ones who talk, deserve respect. But maybe I'm a bit too harsh.

You should check into a psych ward.

bobby, if you were serious about paying people back you'd be grinding a regular job and setting up a payment schedule

no, i owe my last backers about 10k and have reached out to try to work something out but they haven't replied to my messages the last few months which is fine i still have their info and when im back on my feet i will start sending them money. The claim about owing another backer 20k is complete dogsiht and i'll explain later today or tomorrow

[QUOTE=Peace&Love;59132309]I would rather see him staying in the dark for 3 more years, to then come back saying he worked his *** off and paid everything and is now 100% clean, than a post full of apologies while still owing other people money. People who do, not the ones who talk, deserve respect. But maybe I'm a bit too harsh.[/QUOTE]

yeah i understand but i wasnt asking for anyones respect and i understand that for many i dont have any

this is going to get a lot of hate but i just cant do it...i cant go and work in a warehouse or factory for 20 a hour and being in that environment and being around the personality type that works in that industry day after day and not end up grabbing the rope. I did it for 20 years or so and I can't see myself going back. I've actually tried and applied and even went on interviews but for one reason or another things didnt pan out. I'm mentally damaged and I don't expect anyone to understand or to sympathize. Playing poker is my best option to earn meaningful money.

Why didnt they reply to ur msgs? Thats weird they ignore u considering u want to give them back 10k.

What stakes/site u playing now?

I mean they left me on seen so maybe they just think it's a waste of time to have any sort of back and forth if the message isn't about actually sending the money and not just talking about it.

I'm playing nl50-nl200 on the PA sites. Let's see where I'm at after 100k hands or so and I should be able to start making payments unless it turns out I'm washed and suck at poker now.

S/o to all of you's that sent me PMs of support and encouragement. I was shocked to see dozens of messages wishing me well and it really means a lot to me. I promise I will turn this around.

I work in a warehouse. My coworkers in the warehouse are a couple of pretty chill guys. One of the guys is around my age and was doing stand up comedy for a while, I went to one of his shows and he was funny. I like the people that I work with. Perhaps you've just been unfortunate in your experiences with other people.

Also you've got no shot to make it in poker with the sort of undisciplined mentality you have. Poker ain't easy bub. You need discipline to succeed in this field. Discipline you might gain from a normie job with a better attitude.

Imagine if when you bought a piece of my main event if I had won the whole damn thing and then just decided to scumbag steal from you. That wouldn't have been cool would it? I couldn't imagine violating my own conscience like that. That's gotta be bad for your self image and your psyche. The cost of the money you stole is not worth the price to your soul.

Update?

I'm sure if we worked at the same warehouse we'd be good buds. I'd be like Hey Rick, how's it going? and you'd be like Just another day in paradise! and then we'd both laugh as we walk in opposite directions. Look, I've definitely met and befriended some good ass dudes in that line of work but I'd say 90% of the people around my age bracket are going to be self absorbed narcisstic ego obsessed clowns with a penchant for pathological lying.

Now maybe it is different where you live. You are in California and I live in Northeastern Pennsylvania. I live in a small town where every other house has a Trump flag draped somewhere and a F*** Biden sign staked in their yard. I saw a truck drive by the other day that was wrapped with the image of when Trump got shot and had his fist up in the air. And the blacks and latinos that work there are all cosplaying as rappers or reggaeton artists. I don't mind hanging out with these types at a bar or whatever and kicking back a few drinks and having a good time for a couple hours but I don't want to work 40+ hours a week with them.

As to your last part, you are absolutely right. Not worth it at all. I've legit broken down in tears a couple times at the thought of it. I've never told the story how it all went down but here goes. Last September I got pulled over for speeding, 47 in a 35 my gosh, and turns out I had a bench warrant out of Blair County from 2018 and out of Lehigh County. I was arrested and eventually extradited to Altoona. I settled with the judge over there the next day and next went to Lehigh to settle up with them.

As I was waiting for my court date I got sent to General Pop and ran bad in bunkies because I didn't get along with the one dude and we eventually ended up in a squabble and we both got sent to the hole. The proper prison term is Ad-Seg but eveyone even the COs just call it the hole. Ended up doing 30 days or so in there before going back to GP and had my court date that same week. The judge sent me to work release for 120 days. On your second or third day there you are allowed to leave the building to get your clothes and whatever else they allow you to have like hygiene products, accessories like batteries, headphones, cigarettes etc and cash.

On that trip I went home and saw this thread. Got in touch with my backers. Sent them back $4k that was on WSOP and told them I was sorry and explained the situation and they were happy to hear from me. I told them I would get in touch and send the rest the next time I'm allowed home. When you first get to work release your first 10 days or so you are what they call on a blackout restriction which means you can't leave the building for nothing. After this period you are eligible for work and allowed to leave every couple days for a few hours to look for work.

Well, I never made it that far. I got into a fight and you're not going to believe this, over a poker game and got sent back to Lehigh County Prison and back to the hole. They gave me two weeks this time. I should mention that when you are in the hole you are not allowed to use the phone. Only letters. When I got back to GP I talked to my wife and she was in tears and on the verge of a breakdown because the pressure of working full time and trying to handle our expenses on her own for a family of 4 with just her income was too much for her to handle after a couple months alone and she wasn't sure how she was going to pay the bills and the rent for the month and was scared.

Unsure of how to fix this I told her I had some money on a couple poker accounts and to stretch it out and use it until I get back home. Before I told her to cash out the money I thought long and hard about it. I knew that it would tarnish my reputation in the community and would make it close to impossible to get another stake. A part of me also believed that I would be able to replace the money in time and no one would ever know. At the end of the day, I believed the financial help for my family was more important and that I'd be able to fix it all somehow someway. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do it and now I'm dealing with the repurcussions. Both mentally and spiritually.

As for making it in poker. C'mon man. I'm a beast at this game.

This is just some of my results. I had a DB crash and lost a year or two of results. Have made about the same amount playing untracked. I'm definitely gonna make it. My biggest leaks have been lack of volume and being too nitty with BRM. I've gotten stronger with regards to volume and I'll be using Kelly Criterion from now on and have no doubt in my mind that I will be playing majority of my volume at 500NL+ very very soon.

After what I went through the last 13 months I have no choice but to make it in poker. Aint no other doors left to open.

Sigh. That last reply took so long to write I'm too drained. One day. I'm thinking about starting a podcast. DanGK recommended a podcast in his thread called Rigged Game by this guy that goes by the name MW USA. I find it very entertaining and love the style of it. I'm tempted to do the same thing and maybe I'll tell the story there about the lazy clown that became a greedy pig and tricked the world into thinking he's a genius because he uses flash cards. I never planned on ever saying a bad thing about him or them publicly but he decided it was a good idea to kick a man when he's down. I guess the 100k he made VPNing with my PaiWangLuo wasn't good enough.