2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
Pat Surtain 4/96/77.5
Always seems crazy to pay top dollar for a DB. DLine seems like much better value.
happy birthday, srm!
Your 2023 record: 12-5. NFC champs. Again. Super Bowl entrants. Again. Took a 10-point lead on Patrick Mahomes in the Super Bowl. Again. Blew that lead. Again. Again and again and again and again and again. This team was once a dynasty, now it’s a treadmill. The details change from year to year, but the end is always the same.
San Francisco even got the ball first in overtime, mostly because they failed to remember that the NFL changed the playoff overtime format in 2022:
Multiple San Francisco players said after the game that they were not aware that the overtime rules are different in the playoffs than they are in the regular season, and strategy discussions over how to handle the overtime period did not occur as a team. Defensive lineman Arik Armstead said he learned the details of the postseason rule when it was shown on the Allegiant Stadium jumbotron during a TV timeout after regulation.
He still hasn't been punished nearly enough for drafting Trey Lance, who became the James Wiseman of football.
Kyle has taken a lot from his dad’s career and applied it to his own, including watching over his players and coaches from a perch high atop the organization… In 2020, COVID protocols forced teams to update their video technology and make every meeting virtually accessible. When players and coaches were allowed to meet in person again, Kyle kept using the Zoom feature. Now, he can speak in a meeting room from his own office simply by unmuting himself. If he’s not physically in the room, he can be listening in — and he pays close attention to the quarterbacks.
the Niners have turned into the definitive chokers of the 21st century, with seven NFC title game appearances in the past 13 years and zero titles to show for it
Kyle Shanahan being 0-37 when trailing by 8+ in the 4th Q is absolutely wild.
The 2020s Niners are shaping up to be the 1990s Bills, and frankly Northern California deserves it.
Our offensive line consists of 36-year-old Trent Williams and four guys who are afraid to touch other people.
I haven't seen someone this into choking since Sasha Grey retired.
I have no recollection of specific plays from the Super Bowl. All I can picture is Taylor Swift celebrating in her suite. It haunts me, like I’m Rambo having a Vietnam flashback.
There is nothing more depressing than Kyle Shanahan calling a timeout ***IN OVERTIME OF THE SUPER BOWL*** to stop Steve Wilks from running a prevent defense against Patrck Mahomes, all while Trent Williams was successfully predicting Andy Reid's plays from the bench.
George Kittle was too busy telling jokes during the biggest game of his life to recover a fumble.
**** Trent Baalke forever.
Levi's Stadium is the perfect home for a Kyle Shanahan outfit. Overpriced, humorless, more debilitating than the surface of the sun, completely lacking in joy, and ready to bleed every last ounce of hope from you, while simultaneously draining your wallet. If there indeed are dignity wraiths, the 49ers are mine. I hate this ****ing team almost as much as I hate myself for loving them.
I wanted to believe during the Super Bowl. I really did. I wanted to think our defense was good enough to give us a chance against Mahomes. But I was lying to myself. I knew we had no shot. The defensive coordinator was **** all year and had the whole unit out of sync, and so we were going to rely on Purdy to outdo Mahomes? After Shanahan apparently didn't teach his team the overtime rules? I am convinced Shanahan is 90% responsible for the rehabilitation of Andy Reid's reputation.
Deebo Samuel can't stay healthy. George Kittle does ads for Chubbies.
I am excited though for us to finally get an answer to the question of whether Brock Purdy is actually any good or just benefiting from having all-pros around him (I say he's not, but don't listen to me because I once got into an intense argument with a drunk fan at Candlestick about the merits of Gio Carmazzi).
**** Vernon Davis. **** me for eyeing that Brock Purdy jersey on Fanatics.
this is their year
-charlie brown
T minus 1 day. Won't be able to enjoy the shitposting live here but go Ravens tomorrow. Will plan to get back to rankings at end of week 1.
Will try to remember and bump this at end of season.
Six to miss playoffs: NE/CAR/DEN/ARZ/LV/NYG
AFC (in no order): KC/BAL/CIN/MIA/NYJ/BUF/HOU
NFC (in no order): DAL/PHI/DET/GB/CHI/NO/SF
MVP: Burrow (but Lamar +1600 at my book seems like value)
OPOY: Breece
DPOY: Bosa
COTY: DeMeco
Ravens +3 all day. Lets get it goin. Does the lifelong curse remain or is this the year. Postive thoughts....Models and Bottles
happy birthday, srm!
Your 2023 record: 12-5. NFC champs. Again. Super Bowl entrants. Again. Took a 10-point lead on Patrick Mahomes in the Super Bowl. Again. Blew that lead. Again. Again and again and again and again and again. This team was once a dynasty, now it’s a treadmill. The details change from year to year, but the end is always the same.
this is their year
-charlie brown
that opening paragraph is dexter levels of crime scene
and i don't mean the 90s running back carter dreading miles of cardio exercise
For some reason I had 1.81 left after this deposit and bet so I bet the 1.81 on that too
Let’s ride
Edit: using crypto to deposit and subsequently wager on sports is some lol
That bag chasing son of a gun.
I fully recognize that’s is sexist of me that I lost a ton of respect for Ricky finding out it was a 17 year old girl that shot him since it’s 2024 and women can be armed robbers too
But come the **** on man
I fully recognize that’s is sexist of me that I lost a ton of respect for Ricky finding out it was a 17 year old girl that shot him since it’s 2024 and women can be armed robbers too
But come the **** on man
probably made it a more challenging situation for him because he wouldn't have felt comfortable defending himself with force
Nvm I fell for fake news again
Although to be fair aiyuk eventually signed so maybe this guy will get a sex change and I’ll be eventually be right
IIRC Brazil has instituted some hefty fines for anyone circumventing the twitter ban so maybe not a great idea
Thanks. I was not aware of that.
How exactly are they defining circumventing? Let's say instead of VPN, I just email my friend in the US what to tweet and give him access to my account. Am I getting fined for that?
this one was pretty good
The 2020s Niners are shaping up to be the 1990s Bills, and frankly Northern California deserves it.
goddamn i want this as my signature
Guess what day it is guys!
Spoiler
HAPPY NEW NFL SEASON DAY EVERYONE!
LET US FOOTBALL!
I'm ready for the Battle of the Overpaid QBs
Need esad with the w1 thread.
Not too late to make an NFL PEEHS entry!
Take 4 minutes and make one, we need more entries to make the contest more dynamic.
i expect PokerHero77, madlex and suzzer99 to pour one out tonight before kickoff for the ultimate chef fan and representative of the fan base -- ChiefsAholic
Xaviar Babudar, aka ChiefsAholic, gets 17 years for robberies
happy birthday, srm!
this is their year
-charlie brown
-me in this forum
