2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
IIRC one of the networks or RZ pointed out a Pats defender wearing one on Sunday.
The NFL approved the use of the Guardian Caps in regular season games this year. I found where a few players wore them in pre-season, but evidently nobody wants to be the 1st one to wear it during a regular season game and be seen as a pussy by the rest of the league.
If there was ever a poster child for promoting the use of Guardian Caps, it would be Tua.
Granted, I think they look goofy. But if enough players started wearing them, after a while it would just be the new normal.
If Tua comes back and wears one, I'd bet most if not all of the team will wear one as well out of solidarity.
If Tua comes back and wears one, I'd bet most if not all of the team will wear one as well out of solidarity.
Tua will need the Dubble-Bubble Wrap model.
I think the optimal time for Tua using one is well past. Better late than never, but I would guess that hit last night wouldn't have concussed any other qb in the league.
There's not really an easy way to "angle shoot" here.
If you retire, the team can claw back your signing bonus, which then no longer counts against the cap, and obviously you don't get future guaranteed salary as you aren't playing.
And again, you can't just "retire due to a minor injury". You have to be medically retired from football, which requires several doctors to say that you can't play. Tua is going to be cleared. He's going to be able to play. He'll have to make a decision if his present
oh from what i (mis) read it seemed to me that the signing bonus part was long gone from miami's perspective. could be a spicy game of chicken if he's unwilling to retire because of the money but also the PR of putting him back out there over and over would be bad. doctor's have a tough spot of clearing guys when the damage is slow, long term and degenerative like CTE
oh from what i (mis) read it seemed to me that the signing bonus part was long gone from miami's perspective. could be a spicy game of chicken if he's unwilling to retire because of the money but also the PR of putting him back out there over and over would be bad. doctor's have a tough spot of clearing guys when the damage is slow, long term and degenerative like CTE
Nah, signing bonuses are absolutely subject to refund if the player retires early.
Two cases that were big stories:
DET demanded Megatron pay back $1.6M of his "unearned" signing bonus when he retired early. He did, but it strained his relationship with the Lions for years.
When Andrew Luck retired, the Colts let him keep the $12.8M he still hadn't "earned" of his signing bonus. Maybe because Jim Irsay is a super nice guy that didn't need more drug/guitar money at that time, or maybe because the Colts thought there was a chance it would help talk him into coming back at some point. You can decide for yourself. Either way, the Colts ate the cap hit in its entirety that year.
Definitely was one Pats player wearing it. Obviously looks goofy, but it wasn't super noticable maybe because of them having silver helmets.
Also the ones in practice look way dumber. Bad coloring, no logos. If they actually practiced with the ones they would play with, I think many players would wear it.
Tua is going to be cleared. He's going to be able to play. He'll have to make a decision if his present is worth his future, but it's highly unlikely that doctors are going to find that he's not able to play in the here and now.
I'm not so sure about this. If he goes out there again and gets seriously wrecked or dies, then the doc who clears him is staring down the barrel of a huge malpractice lawsuit. And with a victim like Tua, they can come up with all sorts of ridiculous projections of future income from endorsements and such. It would probably exceed the limits of any liability policy the doctor might have. Anyone clearing Tua is potentially putting everything they own at stake.
If only he would have just slid feet first. For fawk's sake.
I'm not so sure about this. If he goes out there again and gets seriously wrecked or dies, then the doc who clears him is staring down the barrel of a huge malpractice lawsuit. And with a victim like Tua, they can come up with all sorts of ridiculous projections of future income from endorsements and such. It would probably exceed the limits of any liability policy the doctor might have. Anyone clearing Tua is potentially putting everything they own at stake.
I'd imagine they have established tests for this. If he passes the tests he's cleared, end of story. I might be wrong.
I'm not so sure about this. If he goes out there again and gets seriously wrecked or dies, then the doc who clears him is staring down the barrel of a huge malpractice lawsuit. And with a victim like Tua, they can come up with all sorts of ridiculous projections of future income from endorsements and such. It would probably exceed the limits of any liability policy the doctor might have. Anyone clearing Tua is potentially putting everything they own at stake.
I'd imagine they have established tests for this. If he passes the tests he's cleared, end of story. I might be wrong.
Just my opinion, so whatever, but I think Nate basically nailed it. I doubt very seriously team doctors are operating outside of the NFL umbrella here. There's almost certainly a process, which they'll follow, and it will be on Tua.
Also, and I hate to think the NFL would have anything but the purest motives here, but the team obviously has a really perverse incentive to clear him, so it's not as if there isn't an insane amount of pressure on any doctor who quietly (or not so quietly) understands that failing to clear him basically means you never work in or around the NFL again.
Unless Tua has a clear brain bleed or something, I think he's basically a lock to be cleared. After that, it's his call.
I'd imagine they have established tests for this. If he passes the tests he's cleared, end of story. I might be wrong.
It's not like they can just scan his head and get an answer.
There is a certain amount of examining that the doctor has to do and tests he may just have to personally administer and judge the results himself with some element of subjectivity. It would be easy for someone after the fact to say, "Well obviously you did that wrong, because if you did then Tua wouldn't be a wheelchair bound vegetable today. That's gonna be $100 million for your negligence. "
Even if the doc is going to want to win, do you want to face that? Even if I've got AA, I'm worried all-in preflop.
To be clear, I'm not saying that above is definite, just that it is possible. I don't really know either.
“At one point people thought seatbelts were f—ing stupid,” Granson told The Athletic on Thursday. “Why wouldn’t I (wear it)? Just because it looks silly? I feel like health and safety is more important than aesthetics.”
volvo and i roll with that statement
I'd imagine they have established tests for this. If he passes the tests he's cleared, end of story. I might be wrong.
bones and ligament are easy to agree upon
scrambled brain with a side of ego often requires a bit more conversation
hope he swishes all the rorschach tests
Spoiler
CMC probably taking at least the next few weeks off after signing an extension he held out for, you say?
That’s alright. I guess I’m just grateful my team keeps mAkInG tHe PlaYoFsS
LOLOLOL
Spoiler
Colts are the 2nd worst team in the NFL (sorry heels). Any ranking that doesn't list them there is not to be taken seriously
Remarkable first slate of upsets
I survived last week easily with New Orleans vs sorry heels
Stepped out there this week with Redskins against Danny Dimes.
What could go wrong?
Indigenous people beat the Giants 21-18 on the foot of Austin Seibert who accounted for all of their points with 7 FGs. He was picked up off the scrap heap last Monday. And Giants kicker gets hurt, so they have to go for 2 and can't kick FGs. No way the Commies win this game had that not happened.
I'm off to the convenience store to buy some lottery tickets.
also. sorry heels. my goodness
how the hell does a modern nfl team get beat by seven figgies
