2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
Josh Allen has every Bills offensive turnover this year. Kinda nuts.
MVP!
MVP!
MVP!
word out of ATL is that Morris is going to give his Penix a couple of days rest
he doesn't want to make the mistake other head coaches have made by riding Penix too hard or too long
at times it can be best to take a hands off approach
I heard they're planning to add the Penix pump to next week's gameplan.
It's time to hand out final grades for our esteemed 1st round QBs. (two more weeks won't change anything btw)
1. Jayden Daniels: A+
I'm sure most of us can remember RG3 and the exuberance then around DC, but Daniels has brought it to another level. Arguably he is already the best QB in the NFC, and contrary to RG3 Daniels is doing it without taking massive punishment. He was all in with the German VR headset software showing he was in this league to improve. WAS will be a tough out for any NFC opponent in the playoffs. (but my 125:1 SB bet is likely a loser)
2. Bo Nix: A-
Bo had a rough start, I suspect caused by a rocky relationship with Payton who probably wanted to see more before removing the trailing wheels. But Nix has passed the evaluations and has shown he can lead a team to the playoffs. Remember DEN was in salary cap purgatory and Nix was drafted more as a desperation move than a franchise QB. He plays with the energy of Baker but with a bit more size and athleticism. Not Daniel's level but ROY most other years.
3. Drake Maye: B-
Maye was put in as starter mid season when NWE was already one of the worst teams ITL. Overall he has kept the team competitive against good teams (LAR, BUF) and won some games he was supposed to lose (CHI, NYJ). It's also tough when your team appears to be tanking for draft picks. Still a bit rough around the edges, but regardless he appears to be the future for NWE.
4. Caleb Williams: C
The Bears got the #1 pick wrong, but how is that not a surprise from the Bears? Much of Caleb's disappointing play can be attributed to Eberflus and the revolving door of assistants around him, but there has been little positive showing Bears fans that a turnaround is near. Williams lacks the discipline needed to succeed in the NFL, as he relies far too much on his play at USC. Will Williams be another Bears castoff who will find better accommodations somewhere else?
5. Michael Penix, Jr: INC
We might need a few more weeks after all in this case. Again, Penix was drafted more as a desperation move in case the $50M damaged-goods QB in Kirk Cousins did not succeed. Well, Penix has his chance now. Unfortunately ATL will need to deal with a big dead cap hit for next year.
6. JJ McCarthy: INC
Wow how the Vikings luck boxed in 2024. They let Cousins go when many called them nuts, then JJ gets a season-ending injury pre-season only to find their recently signed backup Sam Darnold play like a franchise QB leading them to a 13-2 record. It remains to be seen what MIN does with JJ, but he likely will remain on the team as insurance if Darnold disappoints next season.
👍
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Buffalo was faced with man coverage and it really messed up their passing game. Also the Patriots didn’t blitz and sort of used a mush rush to just contain Josh Allen scrambles. That’s the blueprint, given the Bills have no weapons. Two targets the past two weeks for Amari Cooper. What a bust trade.
Didn't realise Dom was doing the graphics for CBS
Maye is way better than a B-. He's been excellent, surrounded by very little talent and with a **** line and terrible coaches.
I'd give him a B/B+ with another win. It's so hard to be successful there, granted.
Nix a bit too high.
I'd probably take maye over him right now and Williams but Williams has been worse this year obviously.
2024 NFL POWER RANKINGS - WEEK SIXTEEN
Superbowl Contenders
1. Bills (12-3)
2. Eagles (12-3)
3. Lions (13-2)
4. Chiefs (14-1)
5. Ravens (10-5)
6. Vikings (13-2)
7. Packers (11-4)
Playoff Teams
8. Steelers (10-5)
9. Commanders (10-5)
10. Broncos (9-6)
11. Texans (9-6)
12. Chargers (9-6)
13. Rams (9-6)
14. Bucs (8-7)
Living On a Prayer
15. Bengals (7-8)
16. Seahawks (8-7)
17. Dolphins (7-8)
18. Cardinals (7-8)
19. Falcons (8-7)
20. Colts (7-8)
Not good ("Bad" for iwasbanned)
21. Niners (6-9)
22. Cowboys (7-8)
23. Bears (4-11)
24. Jets (4-11)
25. Panthers (4-11)
Bad ("Very bad" for iwasbanned)
26. Saints (5-10)
27. Pats (3-12)
28. Raiders (3-12)
29. Browns (3-13)
30. Giants (2-13)
31. Jaguars (3-12)
32. Titans (3-12)
I've been fine with ranking the Chiefs low all year, but I think they're starting to put it together.
Omenihu back makes a big difference. Hollywood Brown contributed immediately. Thuney is at least a serviceable LT, so we'll still survive if Humphries never shows up. The young secondary players pushed into action by the Watson injury seem to be making less mistakes every week. Worthy is getting better every week. Pacheco and Hunt are a good 1-2 punch with Perrine filling the 3rd-down McKinnon role.
We'll see how it goes against Pitt. But I'm as optimistic right now as I've been all season.
I'd still have the Bills #1. But Philly's D is suspect and Detroit's D is a MASH unit.
I didn't downgrade Philly for losing there, obviously depends on how concussed Hurts is. They also had the stiffest competition of the top 4.
It's a clear top 7 and not a top 4 now though. Anyone is beatable.
Having the Bills at #1 when they barely got by the #27 ranked Pats and are 2-3 vs current playoff teams is certainly a choice.
Having the Bills at #1 when they barely got by the #27 ranked Pats and are 2-3 vs current playoff teams is certainly a choice.
This is the laziest and most reductive kind of analysis possible. If you want to just sort by wins, go for it.
Bills also have H2H wins over your #1 and #3.
If you think the Chiefs are #1, that's fine -- I wouldn't argue any with any of the top 5 being ranked first. But have you watched their games the last month and a half? Every single good team has scraped by closely against bottom feeders in the last couple weeks. It's the NFL.
Maye is way better than a B-. He's been excellent, surrounded by very little talent and with a **** line and terrible coaches.
yep
all things considered, Maye's grade should be an A or an A-
he's earned as much w his performance on the field
Ben Solak makes a solid argument that Maye has been the most impressive rookie QB in today's paywalled article
The Patriots have met our low expectations. The wide receiver room has cycled through starters, benchings and drama; the primary option has slowly become Boutte, a 2023 sixth-round selection with intermittent success.
Late-game scenarios that could have turned losses into confidence-building wins were mismanaged by rookie coach Jerod Mayo. The playcalling has come under warranted scrutiny for a lack of explosive plays, a dogged reliance on screens that don't return much on investment and an inability to protect Maye with a strong run or YAC game.
It is not embellishment to call Maye the best player on the Patriots' offense, which is both a testament to his skill and a referendum on the roster.
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If anyone wants an easy $100
I'll take the Chiefs to make the SB, and you can have either the Bills or the Ravens.
