2024 NFL Regular Season: The NFL Playoffs Are Upon Us!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
The Geno Smith idea seems reasonable. But IMO Geno might actually do a bit better in BUF given they have better pass protection and are geared to a longer passing game due to that better protection. When Geno is on he is a phenomenal passer.
Every QB is unique and coaches know that. So the smart coaches develop offensive systems around their QB.
Averaging multiple QBs using the Madden sim would be interesting, but would prevent adjustments smart coaches could do.
Averaging multiple QBs using the Madden sim would be interesting, but would prevent adjustments smart coaches could do.
yeah it wouldn't be perfect, but it might be the best we've got other than just guessing.
i actually realized I never used the 10 hour trial on my PC, so I'm doing it now. For the sake of time, I'm only going to sim this season 5x per each QB/Team and going with Geno, Tua, Kyler, Purdy, Goff, and Darnold
results soon...
You are doing the same thing as newguyhere. Huntley isn't even a top 40 QB. Every team would suck without a good QB, and the ones who survive usually have elite defenses and a good running game.
The way to look at it is give the team Geno Smith and where do you think they would be? The Ravens would probably be pretty close to the same record (maybe a few wins fewer) and the Bills are probably sub .500
The reality is Josh Allen or Joe Burrow should win the MVP if we are going to take the literal me
The difference between the Steelers and Ravens is a league average offense to a historically great one.
I get what you're saying, I just think you're underrating how good Lamar is and has been this season. Yes I would agree the team around him as constructed now has more talent at his disposal than Allen's, however that narrative would have been a lot different if asked in week 8 after the Ravens lost to the Browns and had a bottom 5 defense.
If Allen had won the MVP last year, it wouldn't even be a question that Lamar would win this year.
Last year was weird, looking back on the candidates. Statistically Purdy or Dak were the best. Allen took a 6-6 Bills team to the playoffs with 5 straight wins. Lamar got a similar but larger narrative push for topping San Fran on Christmas, followed by annihilating Miami the following week (and had already crushed Detroit earlier). Stats alone though it was a very wide open year with no runaway candidate, and Lamar got it for winning the big primetime matchups. This year is a bit different as there have been two clear cut QB candidates since midseason.
Allen vs Chiefs/Lions/Rams down the stretch vs Lamar vs Philly/@Pitt when Allen seemed to distance himself just means more to me I guess. Not going through the motions vs the Patriots in a game you won fairly easily anyway.
Like I said, this isn't the NBA where raw #s should win out because every game is basically worth the same. This is more similar to the Heisman where there are huge high leverage spots and Allen had iconic games/plays in them.
But again, like I said I think at the end of the day he just isn't getting that credit for doing it in a LeBron '09-10 and Joker '21-22 type of way because Bills have built a reputation as a good team/organization over the years. Even though their talent is pretty pretty MID.
results of the Madden sims
interesting newguy
thx for running those sims
do you know if any of the QBs were injured and then missed game action?
Makes sense that Kyler would have 2.4 more wins with the Ravens due to his mobility.
MVP level performance.by Lamar in the 1st half. Clinical
Playoff choke artist label has moved from Lamar to Herbie
Herbie was not fully loaded
good year for Chargers overall but the nfl just had so many bum teams this year that it was tough to gauge some of these teams
chargers really didn't beat anyone all year and losing to tampa 40-17 a month ago may have been a bad sign, then they beat denver (another team that beat nobody) and finished with raiders/pats and everyone thought they had some momentum going into playoffs
I was surprised how dominated their o line was
as funny as it would be for the broncos to pull the upset tomorrow, it would give us texans and broncos in divisional rd so hopefully bills just dont blow it
Late to this convo but I would think comeback player of the year is who overcame the most adversity to have an impact on their team, and by that measure it’s definitely Hamlin over flacbert
I would also argue by that same measure it’s definitely Darnold this year. This guy had is career torpedoed by incompetence around him since the day he was drafted and his career was left for dead. JJ goes down and he puts up this season. I’d call that worthy
Otherwise it’s probably going to rodgers and lol that
Vrabel to the pats
That was a hard hit for Ray Davis against the Broncos.
please someone help me unsubscribe from the dom bill twitter relay
wonder if he knows the likes of which are non-transferable
I had a thought today and wanted to see if anyone else wondered the same thing. I was wondering if we could find out on what down in a drive teams incur penalties and how that affects their results. I couldn't really find answers in regards to what I was looking for.
So if 2 teams incur the same amount of total yardage penalized in a season, but Team A was penalized on 1st down a majority of the time and Team B got moved back on 3rd downs more often, what does that do to their success? I would assume Team A does better; also you'd have to compare/contrast 2 similar offensive teams as well.
I dunno, I'll keep searchin'. Not even sure what I'm looking for. A way to disguise riggage maybe?
