2024 NFL Regular Season: g-bebe’s Lamar attempts to slay Dom’s Josh for title of mafia boss
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
https://overthecap.com/salary-cap
this should be a link to the Saints 25 cap. Note how much dead money and the fact that cutting a ton of the most expensive players pre June 1, would actually cost them MORE on the 25 cap
Is it fair to assume the best coaches are primarily attracted to teams with best salary cap situation?
Is it fair to assume the best coaches are primarily attracted to teams with best salary cap situation?
I wouldn't think it's #1 priority but I'd guess it's top 5. Not in order but would guess it's these things? Many of which are interrelated
QB
Roster
GM
Owner
level of power/autonomy
Cap
Salary
??
Not a good sight for Bears fans. BJ already sounding like Russ
Predicting Johson will not have a very good year with the Bears next year.
The only thing that surprises me is that this would surprise anyone on earth
Because well coached teams get fewer penalties, right?
Nice cherry picking since the Super Bowl vs. the Bucs where the Chiefs got hit with so many terrible calls in the 1st half that Ray Lewis was freaking out in the halftime show.
Why not start at 2020, or do all of Mahomes' playoff games?
And of course this phantom roughing call on Chris Jones, which unlike the plays everyone is hysterical about from the Texans game, actually happened in the 4th quarter, and had a massive impact on the outcome of the game.
Weird, but I don't remember the Bristol-centric national media having a grand mal seizure over this call. Nor the Jeff Triplette forward progress call the year before that basically lost the Chiefs the game. Literally the worst call I've ever seen. Never in the history of the NFL has so much freakout happened over some plays in the first half of a game that was never really close.
Also the same people who whine about this also whine during the entire regular season, and I can present a mountain of stats that show the Chiefs do not get all the calls in the regular season, despite everyone's vibes, including when you take into account leverage, WPA, etc.
But now they've found one in a specific cherry-picked time period and we're just going to ignore all that crying wolf all the other times during the regular season that everyone freaks out.
Maybe the Chiefs have just learned how to play clean games in the playoffs? Maybe when teams are behind, they tend to spaz out, or do riskier stuff to try to catch up. Let's see the penalty stats of other teams that had dominant runs in the playoffs.
Did the refs make Ossai shove Mahomes? Or Bradbury do this?
Bradbury should have known that a defensive holding would allow the Chiefs to bleed the entire clock, which is 1000% worse than just giving up the TD. So don't grab and hope to get away with it. Make them beat you with a throw.
That's not on the refs, that's bad coaching and situational awareness. But no one wants to talk about that, because that's not the narrative that titilates and attracts eyeballs.
Need an EPA / WPA analysis on this too. How many of these penalties were phantom contact on 3rd and 13 in negative territory that flipped a close game?
If it comes out against the narrative, the Chiefs get all the calls crowd will still find some reason why the stats lie. I know what I see!
Because it happens once and that's all that you remember for years. The worst call of the Texans game was the phantom holding call on Trey Smith that killed a Chiefs drive. But the announcers spent like one replay and 2 seconds on it, and everyone instantly moved on.
The second worst call was probably the no call on Justin Reid getting yanked down on the field goal at the end of the game, that Chenal still blocked. But again, no narrative fun with that. Move on.
It's like suzzer had that post in his drafts ready to go.
Meanwhile, the Jets move on from a DC of one of the top teams in the NFC to a DC from one of the top teams in the NFC.
Let's imagine for a second this was Stroud instead of Mahomes, and this call wasn't made. You know damn well this screenshot would be all over the internet with people freaking out about the no call.
That's the world we live in.
Anderson lowered his helmet and made forcible contact. By the letter and intent of the rule, it's a penalty. But it wasn't as forcible as it originally looked, so everyone freaks out. Even Aikman's first take was "yeah it looked like roughing in real time" then he decided to make a federal case out of it. No way that happens if you reverse the teams. One replay and we move on.
Maybe put a little responsibility on Anderson for lowering his helmet. If he doesn't do that, no foul. But no, it's never on the player for doing dumb **** when it's against the Chiefs.
Instead we get seven replays, throughout the game, and endless histrionics from Troy. Never in the history of the NFL has a bigger deal been made about an iffy call in the first freaking quarter. The Jeff Triplette call that was literally the worst call of all time, and directly cost the Chiefs a playoff game, got talked about much less than this.
Talk about stuff that makes you wonder if the NFL is rigged. Triplette doesn't call that he was down, which was reviewable. But calls forward progress, which is not reviewable, on a play where Mariota wasn't even moving forward. Of course his forward progress is stopped. HE'S NOT MOVING.
Even if we do get all the calls now, we had some payback coming.
I've been doing some arguing on the internet lately. This **** pisses me off.
No team gets the announcers freaking out over every iffy call that goes for them, and completely ignoring bad calls that go against them, like the Chiefs.
Just laugh at the riggage losers and enjoy all those Lombardis suzzer.
lol I guess Shad finally got the picture.
Total Penalties and Total Penalties Yards are meaningless stats for what people are complaining about.
You would need to go through individual games and look at the impact the penalties had on the game. A holding penalty on 3rd and 15 just makes an already difficult 1st down a little more difficult. A PI penalty late in a close game on 4th down makes a huge difference.
You're comparing apple to oranges.
I saw it being suggested somewhere that all 15 yard penalties be reviewed automatically.
Don't think it would add a ton of time to the games. We all knew the roughing the passer call on the Texans was wrong before the next play was run.
Wonder what coach(es) the Jags missed out on legitimately because they didn't fire Baalke.
