My Last Shot at Poker

we need some proper updates !

You are one of the few worthy thrreads left afterall .

Ty for nice words 😀

In regards to poker things are still going pretty bad. I've let people down, I've let myself down and also financially the year is turning into a disaster more and more. There is no consistency and when I'm back grinding I just grind a fuckton while having 0 patience in the process, and I'm just clicking buttons in the hope to make money with no long term vision or goals. I've tried all sorts of sites, formats and even live and basically everything went bad (might write later about my live experiences). It's obvious that besides being an idiot for trying other formats I barely studied, I"m not running so well this year. But I don't deserve any run good anyway. When I'm on the grind there is 0 structure and all these habits that I repeated over and over (like running, meditating, prioritizing sleep) to manage my adhd and be able to think while playing I haven't been doing. I'm just clicking buttons again feeling so restless. Also I haven't opened pio in over a year or so and basically I became like the player described in this screenshot:

Since 1.5 weeks or so I'm going back to the basics and started creating a routine again including all the boring stuff like running and meditating. And I try to be professional again, and be more appreciative of being able to do something I like doing for the most part for a living (this part has really been lacking). Also came up with a couple rules:

- Skip mtt's on Sunday (lost a bunch here, again also bit unlucky)
- No more heads up (although few 100 hands a month are inevitable). I checked my databass (also posted hu results in deleted post) and my hu results are a complete mess. I'm a massive whale hu and I lost so much here not only in $$ amount but also in bb/100h and It's quite confronting I didn't realize how bad I was for such a long time
- Never play plo again, not even 1 hand, not even 1 bombpot. I studied and played this game for a while and despite my evbb results not being so bad I lost a lot. There is a lot of money to be made here and it's seems less competitive than holdem but to keep your sanity is not possible for me. And it will not be possible
- Just focus on holdem cash 5handed+. Despite my low confidence my results here are still very good and despite this year bad results my winrate here over big sample is still close to double digits.

- Having some sort of routine with at least 4 times exercising a week, and meditating 6 times a week
- Write about mental game and things that are bothering me while playing (while asking myself questions) twice a week
- 4 hours studying a week (will work towards more but will start slow)
- Play 3 sessions a day of 2-2.5hours (depending on action and focus) a session. Will consider setting a timer at some point, this is the best for me however it's not super practical with sometimes having very good action etc.
- Accept the new reality. I started the year with a $120k bankroll (peak was like 160 or something) and now there is less than $20k left. I feel ashamed about it that I again fucked up so hard. And I also feel pretty bad that I was in a pretty decent spot, saving up to buy a house in Holland. But I have to accept that this is the current situation, and that I just have to be humble and work hard to get back up on my feet.

Ever since I started with being a professional again things didn't go well on the table. Still struggling with bad focus and also a lot of entitlement:

I really feel like I'm stuck in the mud and the confidence is really suffering. Everything feels confusing. Playing nits is starting to feel like I'm playing topregs. And I think they are building a statue of me in China because of how I've been paying them off. Hopefully the run turns around soon...

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Life itself has been good this year. I've been feeling good and did lots of fun stuff/traveling/fun experiences and my social life is doing well. Right now I'm a bit stressed because poker is going so bad. But overall I'm happy with how certain things are going and after January, I didn't struggle so much with my depression. I just wish to find a way to be good in life but also good in poker at the same time tho

I'm thinking about going to Mexico soon for a while to lock in, and will try to update about it. In general I try to update the blog a bit here and there. glgl

Good to hear from you man, and tough to hear about your recent experiences.
IMO, coming back to healthy routines is the root to playing well, but the focus and motivation usually doesn't come back straight after getting your first couple runs in, or meditating for a week. the body and mind 'needs time' and work to get back to his best. so just keeping this routines while focusing on more study and getting your confidence back up, while your focus and mental gets stronger, is what I would focus on rather then trying to get 50k hands in and 20 runs in your first month back.
Yet again, this is all from my own experience, and I hope you find what's best for you.
Good luck

Variance is such a bitch.
I think its clear to everyone that you are a very good player (when close to a-game) and your holdem cash winrate proves it
Therefore it does makes a whole lot of sense to stick to that area.
Whatever you choose, best of luck!

Good to hear from you! Good luck with the future plans!

Nice to have an update again, gl!! U got this

ty guys!!

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It's turning around lads, also got suprisingly good rakeback so all things considered it's looking decent again in this sample. Still made quite some mistakes but didn't make any super blunders in the last 5 days or so and overall playing went a lot better (but it's also easier to play well when running well ofc)

Still playing gg poker?

yeah mainly gg (sorry for late reply)

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kinda break even/slightly losing since last update. As I said rb was pretty generous this month and I'm still up ok $$ in this sample but I still hope to go back to crushing soon

Got like 75-80% back from the rake paid (rakeback is very convenient when you losing hard + grind volume + run according to jackpot ev) so there is some money coming in. Everything keeps improving little by little. I'm still not deeply thinking while playing (which hopefully comes back soon), but I stopped the auto piloting for the most part. And when I autopilot I just notice it quickly and just click away the tables (this is always a great struggle when having juicy spots). When starting, the mental game was a complete mess. I just avoided the real destruction-tilt by clicking away tables after every superpunt, but still there was so much emotion while playing. Now after doing some mental game work, getting used to swings and having a routine things are becoming easier. And playing is fun again.

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In this journey, I fucked up many times. And went through many periods of fucking up and then rebuilding. What I learned from this, is that my mind is at comfort in this rebuild mode. Sticking to my routine is easy in this mode, same goes for sleep and working hard. It's like I unconsciously find comfort in being talented in something, but just not getting there. The "not getting there" part is where I find my comfort, and success scares me. When I try to break through my potential limit I've given myself, my brain attacks me in all sorts of ways. And tries to find all sorts of ways to minimize the achievement I made. And at the same time it's starts to worry about everything, problems with sleep, feeling tired/burned out etc. Step by step this self-cap of potential I have in my head gets a little higher every time I rebuild and reach new heights. Last year I managed to break through this, or at least I felt like I did. I was starting to become aware of what was going on, and tried to implement in my brain that there was nothing to worry about and that I'm worthy of success and happiness. And yet I still ended up crashing down....

Ofcourse I've done some sad degentilting over the years, but I genuinely think what I'm describing is the main thing I'm struggling with. And it's time to break this cycle. For now it's easy to keep working hard and keep myself accountable (try to keep improving but also things like managing tilt). But the real challenge becomes when I'm back doing good and the results are coming in.

A friend of the blog recommended this book to me last year. It basically tackles exactly what I'm describing above. And I will read it again. This will be step 1 in the process of breaking through these self-limitations.

As someone with ADHD that easily autopilots during sessions this thread really resonates with me.

What I found worked for me for the most part is just playing less tables like 2-3 and forcing myself to do so by playing on something smaller than a huge monitor like small laptop or even tablet helped a lot.

It kinda makes no sense that more tables would lead to being bored and mindlessly clicking but that’s something my ADHD brain tends to do, with less tables it feels like it’s easier to think deeper about the game.

the regrind of regrinds, absolutely love to see this bro!

Makes a lot of sense! Cheers for the advice

ty mate!!

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Started to run well, hopefully it sicks around for a bit. Also since a long time my game is improving a bunch again and I'm slowly getting more motivated. I was gonna typ a bunch of shit but I'm too tired rn, need to sleep asap. gn

good ol' heater sess yesterday

I just spend 20 minutes of my valuable time (time that I could have spent on losing more on the tables) purging out all big losing hands of yesterday in my db so I could produce this graph, hope it's appreciated 😀

I'm constantly reminding myself that it's beyond ridiculous to focus so much on short term results. And that all I have to do is focus on playing well (and improving) and just view this poker thing as a long term investment, and that it makes no sense to focus on daily results. It doesn't matter even 0.01% what happens "today" in the long term. So even if I lose the amount of my stoploss today, I still have a roof above my head, money for living life for some time and friends and family that love me. And the only thing what is in my control is showing up everyday, doing my routine/habits and try as much as I can to execute my strategy as well as I can.

It's going well, and I'm making progress. But yesterday I slipped up again, really pushing to unstuck. I didn't do anything particularity crazy, but I really noticed that the bad mindset reappeared again. And with managing to unstuck, my brain noticed that the mindset got rewarded. Here is where it gets dangerous, because unconsciously it's really easy to go back in that bad habit of obsessing over daily results. Which will just lead to more emotion, maniac sessions and in the end big tilt.

I really try to tell myself that despite money won, this was a bad session. And continue to do some mental game work which included writing about it, and thinking about it in meditative state. And hopefully I can continue with how well I was doing before yesterday.

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Reason actually for me struggling yesterday was that there was a regfish who wanted to play hu, he was clearly on tilt or whatever and I took the spot

And got punished again. I still think it was +ev but it was hard for me to accept the loss after I broke my "rule" of not playing hu

I can make all sorts of posts about ancient mental game wisdom, but then this happens..... Played quite long afterwards and lost a bit more. Ever since the restart I peaked at +30k and now I'm back at +12k.

Ofcourse this feels like a bit of a setback. But it's important to not now start skipping my routine or get completely demotivated by this. Without being too delusional, things are still going well. There is a solid routine while improving and besides the big rake I'm still playing with a 6evbb winrate. I'm just running 18k under ev but that shouldn't be a reason to become this entitled lazy button clicker again.

Your posts are constantly bringing some form of frustration or disappointment about your results and the constant setbacks. Do you need a lot of money now? Is it extremely urgent for you that you get out of the runbad phase and start crushing again and moving up and whatever your goals are? If you do and you are under pressure, do you think you are capable to perform well to achieve all those goals, quickly, despite the pressure? If you don't, why do you look, judging by your posts, so frustrated about how poker is going for you? Aren't all of those things part of the game you chose to play? Aren't they normal? 😀

So many questions with some obvious suggestive elements to them. I don't know how to respond to all of this. First of all I read back my last like 6-7 post or so and I don't see the frustration you mention at all. When I 'restarted" after a long break there was definitely some frustration, because I felt like stuck in the mud paying 20bb rake while running bad vs the 1/2ante nitpool (pool is not that nitty tho but just to illustrate the entitlement haha). But despite the frustration, nearly losing my mind and breaking my mouse and punching my desk I kept it together and I'm now back at the stakes (=1k and below) where my ev is the highest. I actually really enjoy the grind lately (which includes off table work). And now I see going through that phase of frustration as a positive experience.

And I also mention things like how things are going well. But I have feeling you are not even reading that and was just looking for something to shit on.

I listened to Prodigy's mechanics of poker podcast and ofcourse it's nice that the guy is so naive to give away way too many strategical insides. But after I was done listening to it I felt slightly confused. It's almost like we are playing an entirely different game. You see, for me poker is not about just grinding ev or jerking off a bit more with blockers. It's pain, stress, emotion, trying to do everything in my power to keep my sanity (while obviously failing), getting my leaks as a human being projected on a massive screen and being forced to work on them. It's drowning in self-doubt. With already feeling like this society outcast loser (even before poker) this is me vs the world. But most importantly, this is one big battle with myself.

I don't feel the need to write in here when everything is going "normal". I feel the need to write when I'm struggling. And I've always tried to do this with brutal self-honesty. There is plenty of blogs here (I see it also in discord servers) where people start a blog with a bunch of winning graphs, and then when the downswing comes they dissapear. But in a strange way (allthough not always feeling like this in the moment) I try to embrace these moments of struggles, and try to write about it (admittedly over-dramatic) in here. And ofcourse I've been guilty of going into crybaby-meltdown mode in here. But for every meltdown there was also plenty of self-honesty and me trying to rationalize with a bit of healthy humor after. And in the process there was (little by little) growth, of which I'm proud of. And if you think I put way too much pressure on myself/want to move up too quick, that's because it's the truth. And I'm trying to be honest about it while working on it.

So if the lobby is a ghost town, and out of nowhere a superfish sits down at 2k. And knowing even with some % sold the action might be too big for me at this moment, but at the same time it's a special opportunity with so big ev I end up taking it. And within 15 minutes I'm down 13k while running 14k under ev because the vip open jammed any2 and I get coolered 5/6 times in a row. Than ofcourse even Phil Galfond would feel tilted and frustrated. And whether I should have taken the spot or not, I'm not a fucking robot. And it's normal for me to make a post about it, while also trying to zoom out and remind myself that there is no reason to panic because everything is going well. And if you think I'm a whiney bitch for making that post, I suggest you to not read this blog anymore. Because this is my journey trying to pursuit something (and I wish I knew what it was) in this beautiful shit game. And there is plenty more fuck ups to come.

ps. lately I've been trying to jerk off with blockers a bit more, it's alright

I'll keep reading it, your journey is a very inspirational one 😀

You said you're not a ****ing robot, but would you rather be one if the option existed? Or are you happy being exactly the way you are?

we are biologically programed to shot when a whale sits 1 or 2 stakes above, it's severe

gl man sure you got this!

Relatable and human stuff

Maybe Prodigy isnt so "human" (not a dig) and thats why he is so successful
I get coolered 4 times in a row by a fish and I quit my session. He probably stays, keeps calm and grinds out the ev.
Of course his way is the prefered way in poker but its not natural and very few can do it.

PS: I think you still got a very decent evbb at mid (maybe high?) stakes, which is a good place to fall back on

i'm not seeing any mention of using solvers in here, please study more & grind less bro!!

Nice nice blog. Appreciate the latest focus regarding mindset, entitlement, tilt/frustration etc.

Keep up the good work and thank you for your contribution in this blog.

Ill listen to prodigy podcast now.