2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
Tua, Dak, and Trevor not living up to their contracts so far. If that keeps up I wonder if it will have an effect on how teams pay QBs who haven't done anything in the future.
I thought Dak was pretty good in game 1 and the game script dictated that he didn't need to sling it. Yesterday was a product of the defense more than him. I have always thought Tua's success is a product of the playmakers around him. Trevor is a huge concern (obviously Tua as well because of him constantly getting injured)
Colts are the 2nd worst team in the NFL (sorry heels). Any ranking that doesn't list them there is not to be taken seriously
I still think this is true (check the yards allowed stats, Lol Ballard you worthless ****), but goddamn there are some baaaaad teams at the bottom this year.
Did GMs forget Arch isn't coming out until next year at the earliest??
If it looks like offense is in a bad way so far, well, that's because it is.
These stats are all sourced from Rich Hribar @LordReebs on X, but since he wrote the stats out in a bunch of separate posts, I just copied and pasted.
"Offensive plays of 20+ yards through 2 weeks of the NFL over the past 10 seasons...
2024: 196 (pending MNF)
2023: 210
2022: 230
2021: 239
2020: 239
2019: 265
2018: 255
2017: 220
2016: 253
2015: 236"
"Passing yards per game per team for the league through 2 weeks...
2024: 193.2
2023: 216.6
2022: 227.8
2021: 248.2
2020: 248.7
2019: 248.8
2018: 249.7
2017: 220.7
2016: 258.4
2015: 239.9"
"Red Zone TD conversion rate through 2 weeks of the NFL over the past 10 years...
2024: 47.4% (pending MNF)
2023: 57.9%
2022: 57.4%
2021: 60.3%
2020: 61.4%
2019: 55.2%
2018: 58.2%
2017: 50.3%
2016: 55.5%
2015: 57.8%"
"Passing TDs through 2 weeks of the NFL over the past 10 years...
2024: 66 (pending MNF)
2023: 86
2022: 105
2021: 110
2020: 110
2019: 105
2018: 114
2017: 78
2016: 98
2015: 109"
"The 7.8% sack rate through 2 weeks (pending MNF) is the highest for the start of an NFL season in the 2000s.
The past 5 years...
2024: 7.8%
2023: 7.0%
2022: 6.3%
2021: 6.0%
2020: 5.8%"
i love this news
offense has been getting way in front of defense for too long
coming from someone who enjoys a 13-10 game more than a 30-23 game
Yeah, this is great. The NFL will of course ruin this by week 6 by calling 300% more def. holding and DPI, but right now, *chef's kiss*
Looking at the schedule, there are at least 4 MNF double headers this year. There are two other weeks that "might" (read will) have MNF double headers. That's potentially 6 double headers this year.
How many BJs did Bob Iger have to give Rog to make that happen?? Give it a couple more years and every MNF game will be a double header.
Looking at the schedule, there are at least 4 MNF double headers this year. There are two other weeks that "might" (read will) have MNF double headers. That's potentially 6 double headers this year.
How many BJs did Bob Iger have to give Rog to make that happen?? Give it a couple more years and every MNF game will be a double header.
Get rid of TNF and make doubleheaders every Monday.
Change the league to flag football and you can have games everyday. Bring on the 64 game season.
Tua still probably gonna average 1.5 concussions a year.
This isn't about defenses being good. It's a reflection of piss poor offensive line play.
It's a mix of a lot of things. O line play being bad certainly doesn't help, but I don't think that's anything that's new. O line attrition is bad every season with the revolving injuries of that position.
A defense being good is relative, but there are scheme related changes to defenses that have had a material affect; mainly the 2 high look being used by most teams, especially when facing a QB who likes to push the ball down the field. The 2 high defensive look has taken away everything over the top and down field and turns offenses into either rushing offenses or dink and dunk. Additionally, defenses continue to work to take away the middle of the field and push everything to the sidelines.
QB play, especially from a passing standpoint, has continued to decrease. The league continues to move more and more towards dual threat QBs, which is hurting passing numbers. Furthermore, the QBs who have entered the league in the last 5 or so years have been very hit or miss. 2020 gave us Burrow, Tua, Herbert, Love, and Hurts. Two of these guys are already injured, two of them have been very average so far this season, and Hurts is not a great passer.
The 2021 class is looking god awful. 2022 doesn't even need to be discussed, with the only "good" QB being the last one selected. 2023 gave us sorry heels, although, it also gave us a QB who has the potential to be the best in the league one day. 2024 will be interesting to watch, but Caleb and Jayden haven't been great so far. Nix sucks. And McCarthy is injured, so who really knows how good he'll be, but he wasn't exactly a great prospect. I'll be interested to see Maye once he hits the field, but I am bullish on his long-term upside (no bias, of course). Some of the best QBs so far through 2 games are journeymen who have been given up on by one or more franchises.
Preseason snaps are not taken seriously by most teams, so the first few weeks of the regular season are used to work out kinks, get in reps, adjust scheme, etc.
ETA: And right as I pressed post, I get news that sorry heels has been benched in favor of the red rocket.
No idea why you wouldn't let Bryce play out the year. Your team isn't going anywhere. Tank tank tank and somehow hope Bryce does a 180.
I'm sure somewhere someone has the numbers for pressure rate cause man there are a few O-lines that are absolutely atrocious and it seems like it's quite a few teams not just one obviously terrible one like Washington.
My guess is this decision was mostly driven by Canales. He’s a first year HC who is already in danger of losing the locker room.
Dalton is nothing to write home about, especially at this point in his career, but he’s going to be better than Bryce has been. Bryce is barely hitting anything more than 5 yards downfield.
Team frustration was already showing on the field and postgame presser.
it's the right move imo
don't throw good money after bad
season ticket holders and CAR fans want to see the best product on the field. who wants to sit through 3 1/2 more months of this nonsense?
No idea why you wouldn't let Bryce play out the year. Your team isn't going anywhere. Tank tank tank and somehow hope Bryce does a 180.
I'm sure somewhere someone has the numbers for pressure rate cause man there are a few O-lines that are absolutely atrocious and it seems like it's quite a few teams not just one obviously terrible one like Washington.
Bryce was nearly in tears after throwing a pick yesterday. I'm not saying there's anything there worth saving, but if there is, you're going to kill it this year.
Tough spot regardless.
His confidence definitely seems shot.
I had no idea Andy Dalton was still in the league.
Bruce getting benched probably the first good thing to happen to the panthers since they made it to the Super Bowl
Hooray heels?
Bryce was nearly in tears after throwing a pick yesterday. I'm not saying there's anything there worth saving, but if there is, you're going to kill it this year.
Tough spot regardless.
On a human level this is really ****ing rough to watch
But the reality is there’s nothing here. This guy isn’t an nfl qb
two trades need to happen in the next several days:
(1) Russell Wilson to MIA
(2) Bruce to any other NFL team
I can’t see Ruxin being stupid enough to entertain taking on Russ. Though that would be hilarious
Really have no idea where Bruce can go from here. Maybe Vegas takes a flier and he sits on the bench and resets? He’s definitely a ‘you lose nothing’ get and impending draft class is **** enough that a team that’ll be drafting in the late teens could do worse than taking a gamble here
2024 will be interesting to watch, but Caleb and Jayden haven't been great so far. Nix sucks. And McCarthy is injured, so who really knows how good he'll be, but he wasn't exactly a great prospect. I'll be interested to see Maye once he hits the field, but I am bullish on his long-term upside (no bias, of course).
don't sleep on Penix heels who may turn out being the best of the bunch
Reigning MVP QBs To Start Season 0-2
Since AFL-NFL merger in 1970
2024: Lamar
2002: Kurt Warner (Rams)
1984: Theismann (WAS)
1981: Brian Sipe (CLE)
as much as I've said Russ is washed. I'd take him in a heartbeat over Skylar and Huntley
if Tua was going to miss significant time
Ruxin runs a unique offense that requires a unique skill set from the qb. Russ in his prime would work but Russ today would slow it down. Fields definitely suits it better
If a long term external solution is required Lance is the only one that makes sense. Ruxin worked with him previously, he can learn the offense faster than a random hire
I definitely get not wanting skyler but man, Russ is ****ing terrible. I watched enough of him last year and enough stealers preseason (lol me) to know he’s never getting that job back if he stays
