2024 NFL Regular Season: Vikings vs. Lions SNF Showdown!
You know, since the Super Bowl periodically i will watch the CBS Sinatra intro cuz it was ****ing magnificent. Halfway through i will remember how that game went and I will be dead inside. I hate myself enough that I will keep ripping off the scab. A niners fan in their 30s probably knows more heartbreak than any fan living, and I say that knowing that stupid ass team in upstate New York lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I come into this season knowing an inevitability that the 9ers will be good. Very good. And like that they've done for a ****ing decade they will find a brand new way to rip my ****ing heart out inches away from a Super Bowl. I am about to waste 5 ****ing months of my life bracing myself for the inevitable. With that in mind i come into this season with a new outlook:
**** you all. Every last one of you. Indiscrimenantly and unconditionally. All of you ****ers deserve pain and I wish nothing less than that for you. I jerked off when Rodgers tore his achilles 4 snaps into the season cuz I hate him. I am prepared to replicate that for the rest of you. I will bring you down to my level and laugh at your misery until nothing is left but ash.
With that in mind, welcome to the 2024 NFL season.
(Sorting by Super Bowl Odds)
Kansas City Chiefs, +600
Travis Kelce is a braindead mongoloid in a relationship of circumstance with a singer who looks like an abstract painting drawn by a drunk. Your quarterback has a voice that makes me think he sits in the corner and jerks off while his attention whore whore of a wife gets gangbanged to post on IG. His family is full of a sexual predator and a drunk ass father. You are coached by a man who is as objectively terrible at fatherhood as he is at portion control. YOU WANT THEM NUGGIES?! probably not as much as your kids wanted a present dad. Too bad one killed himself and the other killed someone else. But hey, he's got a mustache and he looks like the kool-aid man. WHAT A GUY! Your fans suck. Your forum should be under constant terror surveillance. You still do some racist ass chant because now that Snyder left someone has to wear the mantle of "**** you native americans this is our tradition now." **** you then. **** you now. **** you forever.
San Francisco 49ers, +600
GOD. ****ING. DAMNIT. **** this team that has taken so much of my soul I am certain if an afterlife exists neither side will claim me. Kyle Shanahan? If you choked on dick as much as you choke when it matters you'd either be dead of asphyxiation or your body would be 97% the cum of other men. I am a liberal of Middle Eastern descent rooting for a team whose marquee defensive player gets rock hard at the sight of Trump and whose 7th round QB is a member of Focus on the Family. The levels of moral compromise it takes for me to root for them is only offset by the fact that CTE exists and it all levels out in the end. Watch these ****ers go 14-3 and lose in the Super Bowl because, I dunno, they decide to do some nonsense like take a knee in the end zone to start OT
Baltimore Ravens, +1000
You ****ing worthless bastards. You had one one ****ing job and that was to get your fraud ass MVP RB1 WR1 to the Super Bowl to get your anus protruded. Congrats on giving the keys to your future to a guy so stupid his mom is his agent. The best player in your history was a murderer. The best RB in your history I'm pretty sure is also a murderer. The best QB in your history is basically a runningback who can occassionally throw a football which means he's basically black Julian Edelman with the ability to do an inside handoff. It warms my heart you will never win anything, not because the Chefs are in your conference but because Lamar ain't ****ing ****. You might be feeling a certain kind of way reading me say this but I also watched this guy implode at home in the AFCCG so the burden of proof is on you to tell me this guy ****ing matters. **** you
Detroit Lions, +1200
Bahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaa what can i actually say to you that God already hasn't. When you are a fan of Detroit sports you have already made a decision your life has no meaning or value. As a Niners fan it warms my heart that we own your ****ing asses. You idiots are so terrible at all things sports you let a guy catch a 50 yard pass off your ****ing helmet. Remember when the Giants swept the best Tigers team you'll ever have? I sure as **** remember. It's cute you think you matter cuz you have some retread QB with no talent other than the worst Super Bowl performance of the modern era and because you decided to give AMSR all the money. Have fun with the consequences of winning the first playoff games in the last half century. I see zero downside here.
Philadelphia Eagles, +1300
The most meaningless 10-1 start in history. No existence has ever shown itself to be more fraudulent than the hype behind "I SQUAT ALL THE POUNDS" and Nick Siriosis. Your QB is **** elevated by a gimmick. Your coach is **** elevated by coordinators who once upon a time were able to hide it. Your city deserves to be nuked from orbit. Nothing on earth means less to societal benefit than a Philly sports fan. You clowns combine the entitlement of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the stupidity of St. Louis Cardinals Fans with the "my life has no meaning other than the team I root for" of Buffalo Bills fans. You suck so much I once bought a 2+2er a secret santa gift of 7 6ers tickets 1 in each section costing me a total of 20 bucks. That 2+2er lived in Atlanta.
Houston Texans, +1500
I don't give a **** about you
Cincinnati Bengals, +1500
The only good thing to come out of Ohio is the cry from help that comes from anyone who lives there. Skyline Chili? Have some ****ing self-respect you indulgent fat bastards. Stop trying to make Joe Burrow a thing. The only thing that separates that bleached hair ****boi from Boomer Esiason is a cigar. Also the best QB you ever had before this literally chose to name himself BOOMER. No part of me can take you seriously no matter how much you all dEmAnD tO bE tAkEn SeRiOuSlY. You go to a stadium that looks so decrepit I can't rule out it was built in 2700 BC by the Pharoah's slaves to give the cheapest man alive your hard earned money to maybe watch 1 playoff game before you go to the bar and pass up your chance at pussy by telling whatever slag you found on a Craigslist personals ad your hour long retrospective on how Akili Smith just had bad luck
Buffalo Bills +1500
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
You people are something else. Leave it to the team Bon Jovi and Trump couldn't trick people into letting them buy to gloss themselves a mafia because they jump through tables and show up to 0 degree weather games topless and blackout drunk on PBR. 4 Super Bowl Losses Were Not Enough. I fully expect Dom and that other half_nit to scream about how they're going to kill me for this post before they fall asleep in a puddle of their own piss and vomit surrounded by bottles of miller high life and wake up confused about why Josh Allen threw 7 picks in a game they missed. Spare me. I don't care. You guys will suck forever
Dallas Cowboys, +1800
Remember the time Zeke was your lone lineman in the last play of a playoff game? Remember that the coach who drew that up is still your coach? I can't prove it but your owner is a pedo. Jerry will outlive all of you which means that you will never ever ever see a Super Bowl appearance much less a win. ****, you're a dog to even make an NFCCG. But you know what? you deserve it. Every last element of the Dallas Cowboys, their fans, the city of Dallas, the state of Texas is a constant reminder to any decent human being that life can be much, much worse. Imagine being the sole thing on this ****ing earth Stephen A Smith can dunk on.
New York Jets, +1800
On my ****ing life I hope the season opener includes the paralysis of RFK Jr's VP and Podcast Punter's meal ticket. I will happily accept the niners never winning another ****ing game if they end his career opening night. The NFL has included rapists and murderers and somehow I hate the most overrated QB in the history of the game more than any of them. Aaron Hernandez literally got sentenced to life in prison and hung himself and I think Rodgers deserves the chair more. Rae Carruth had someone kill his baby mama and I think Rodgers has a greater claim to being buried under Guantanamo.
J
E
T
S
YOU
SUCK
DICK
Your levels of desperation of disrepair has brought you to this point. Your team is such a ****ing joke Bardy made a 9/11 joke about you that brought the house down.
Green Bay Packers, +1800
Imagine having Favre and Rodgers for 2 decades and ending up with as little as you did. Imagine having the 2 best QBs in your existence be the guy in that movie where that woman put cum in her hair as gel and ended up scamming the state of Mississippi who sends random dick pics to reporters and a guy who is someone more hatable than THAT. It's fitting that the public owns the Packers because you all deserve to wear this. You stupid cheesehead wearing halfwits. I've been to Wisconsin once. The only thing redeemable about that shithole is that I could leave it. And even that seemed dicey.
To the rest of the teams i have not named in this post it is because i do not care enough about you to write paragraphs about you. The panthers have a midget as a QB, the browns have a sexual predator. The boncos have a pill popping piece of **** as their coach, the stealers are lol, pray at the feet of a rapist and have concussion water as their QB1. The Chargers have a coach who sleeps over at the homes of kickers who are not of legal age to make sure they don't go to anyone else but daddy. The Jaguars have the HPoolV stadium and are owned by a guy in a cartoonish mustache with a son who is not Triple H
I wish you all pain. I will not suffer alone.
Let us football
Mod Edit:
List of Other Team Votes with Selection:
newguyhere: Dolphins
marknfw: Cowboys
how do these guys not have security at their homes...basically the entire time but 100% when they're playing? It's the oldest trick in the book.
I wish the NFL and FBI would stop telling the players to get security at their houses on game days. Every away game the packers play I go to a players house for a day (and sometimes spend the night) to hang out, watch the game and feel what it is like to be super rich. I'm on my 3rd players house for the year because the first two got security systems.
I'm still honing my craft, but silly mistakes are what gets you caught - not taking your trash with you, eating too many chips from an open chip bag, using one of their towels and leaving it wet on a rack, etc.
I don't understand how, with Burrow and Chase playing out of their heads, the Bengals are so bad. Guess they lost too many players in the offseason...especially off their defense.
obviously they don't have the luxury of playing Tua 2x a year
So who gets more MVP votes: Mahomes if KC goes 16-1, or Josh because he was the only QB that beat KC?
The short answer is JAWSH. The long answer is mahomes won't get any votes because voters don't want to out themselves as someone who hasn't watched football this year and risk losing their MVP vote. JAWSH will get votes because he has played well throughout the year - not because he beat KC.
The MVP is still lamar's to lose. He is just playing so much better than every other player in the league. Josh is somehow -400 to lamar +1k.
lamar vs JAWSH
comp % 67% to 64%
yds/game 253 to 233
pass TD 29 to 23
INT 3 to 5
passer rating 116 to 102
rush yds/gm 52 to 32
rush yds/attempt 6.1 to 5.2
rush TD 3 to 9
The only thing JAWSH is beating lamar at is thowing picks and rushing TDs.
Allen’s other improvement this year has been his lack of fumbles.
I wish the NFL and FBI would stop telling the players to get security at their houses on game days. Every away game the packers play I go to a players house for a day (and sometimes spend the night) to hang out, watch the game and feel what it is like to be super rich. I'm on my 3rd players house for the year because the first two got security systems.
I'm still honing my craft, but silly mistakes are what gets you caught - not taking your trash with you, eating too many chips from an open chip
several surprising QBs on this list
Texans, Steelers, Chiefs, and Ravens all have to play their next 3 games over a 10 day period.
Pretty dumb scheduling on the NFL's part.
Sad but true.
If the Chiefs win their next 2 games, and the Bills and Steelers were to lose one of their next 2 games. That should lock up the 1 seed for KC, and it would be hilarious if they sat their starters on Christmas.
The truest short talk on NFL Ive ever seen. As a degen that loses, a....lot. It always come down one situation in the game. I mean always. The no sweat games are like 1 in a 100.
Jets ML should have cashed. They get a first down in fg range. Three runs and kick its a win. They start dropping back to pass, sacks.. screw ups. Gave other team a chance to tie it up. I get it... a first down there ends the game. Todd Downing felt it was the way to go. But it was a mess up and it cost me my money lol.
But w/e it's one game. Thing is, in the nfl, its almost every game.
I don't understand how, with Burrow and Chase playing out of their heads, the Bengals are so bad. Guess they lost too many players in the offseason...especially off their defense.
It starts at the top.
If Bengals had won both Ravens games (which they could easily have won, IMO) they are 7-6 and Ravens 6-7. Bengals would likely finish 10-7 and get in the playoffs, and nobody would have known the difference.
Bengals Defence wasn’t great last year and has regressed. #21 to #29 this year
Ravens D decline has been even worse - they were #1 scoring D last year and #23 this year.
(Not coincidentally, Seahawks went from #25 last year to #11 this year)
Both teams need new coordinators.
Chiefs are on a mission. They don't care about style points, only another ring.
If they lock up HFA by Xmas I got it 75% Mahomes/Kelce et all do not play past 1st qtr. Basically a pre season game.
That might get some ratings, but hard to promote it and keep Swift in the dark.
In that case, maybe she should empower women everywhere and propose to him at halftime at midfield!?
Bengals Defence wasn’t great last year and has regressed. #21 to #29 this year
Ravens D decline has been even worse - they were #1 scoring D last year and #23 this year.
(Not coincidentally, Seahawks went from #25 last year to #11 this year)
Both teams need new coordinators.
i'd rather it not happen, but bengals need to hire this man as HC
Spoiler
In that case, might as well give it to Tua.
No one has been more obviously valuable to their team this year.
"weaknesses"
The only real weakness this team has is the D-line. Could be a problem in the playoffs. Interior DL got worked by the Rams.
Dropping this graph straight after that exchange is *chefs kiss*
Calais Campbell has missed fewer games (15) than seasons played (17).
He’s one of four defensive linemen in league history to make 250 career starts.
He’s two years older than every defensive player in the league.
He’s two years older than his own position coach.
Consider for a moment how long Campbell has been at this: He was a rookie on the Cardinals team that made it to Super Bowl XLIII in February 2009. Kurt Warner was Arizona’s quarterback. He’s been retired for 15 years.
Calais Campbell has missed fewer games (15) than seasons played (17).
He’s one of four defensive linemen in league history to make 250 career starts.
He’s two years older than every defensive player in the league.
He’s two years older than his own position coach.
he's not as good a player as Campbell ...now or in the past...but my favourite 'I can't believe he's still in the League' guy is Marcedes Lewis. Once a year I'll be watching a game and hear his name and remember again
Lewis got cut after 12 seasons in Jax and has somehow played another 7 seasons since. He's now 40 and has missed one game in the past 8 seasons and...it looks from pff like...he's missed 23 games in 19 seasons
