A raging fish on a heater
Intro,
A memoir of a degen:
I've always loved to gamble, and I have done so since I was a kid. It did not start of very well either, I was buried deep in ''debts'' as a 8 year old when I ran incredibly bad playing rock paper scissors against a friend for Runescape in-game currency (had to grind for two weeks straight killing monsters and collecting loot ffs). This passed on and every game I played had the touch of gambling. I played Habbohotel (a online-community where you could interact and have rooms which you could decorate with furniture) where you could actually have your own casino, lol. You basicly had in-game dices that you rolled and the closest one to 21 won double theyr wager. At the age of ten I was playing blackjack basicly for real money since the in-game furniture actually costed and I was playing pretty high stakes. It doesn't strike me until now how sick that actually is and that it was not targeted in any way.
Fastforward until I'm 18 where I started actually gambling a tad, the occasional slot or some blackjack. I really loved it, a bit too much. However that was short lived, I still remember my first experience on Pokerstars. I deposited 20 bucks and played 25NL, doubling it up quickly and as quickly dumping it. I deposited again and started playing some 6 max hypers and I was hooked. This was the ****, and I was actually good at it! (roflmao I sucked and ran like Hermes). I made like 300 bucks in two days and thought I had found out a way to print money. Cashed out, and was incredibly pleased with myself. Well spoiler alert, this was not a way of printing money. I kept playing and I sucked so bad that I just kept losing for months, the fact that I was playing $15s. I gambled away every single penny I earned through my job as a; wait for it..: croupier (lol how unexpected). It sucked, I was such a degen and I hated myself for it. I was counting down every single day until my next salary which is the 25th here in Sweden, and then procceeded to go broke within days. Rinse and repeat. Relatively it was not very big sums at all, but it was what I had and it started to escalate.
I had tried to play tournaments at times, but I just did not have the patience. Patience has never been my thing, and patience is key in MTT poker. 6 max hypers were perfect, fast paced and mass variance. My cup of tea. I would try the occasional turbo but even that was too slow for me. I gave the Hotter 16.5 a shot one sunday and I managed to go deep. I played like utter bull****, but with 30 left I was 2nd in chips. I was about to burst in pure excitement, this was my DREAM. To break even and even be in big profit. Every degen knows that they only have one goal on theyr mind, to break even. You look forward to that ****ing day when all your losses are buried by the big score. For months this was on my mind, I had to make back what I lost. But I was quickly pulled out of my dream. I busted in 16th when my A9s could not hold up against KQ. The queen on the floop was like a sledgehammer to my nuts. I could not sleep that night, I felt so incredibly bad that I did not know what to do with myself. I was so close, but I was screwed. ****ing ****.
Somehow the next Sunday I manage to run deep in the Hotter 75. I remember the prize being 20k+ and I felt that this was my ****ing chance, I was given a second ****ing chance. This time was my ****ing time, and when I see a shove and reshove and wait impatiently to click call with my KK the excitement was beyond the roof. I even flopped a set, but I got backdoored by A7o which rivered a straight. I proceeded to bust in 50th place and once again I was a wreck. ****ing hell, fml. So ****ing close again why was I so unlucky? Little did I know that worse was to come.
I decided to solely grind turbo MTTs, I had been so close to my goal and felt that I kept grinding that I could do it. Over the coming 6 months I ran so ****ing bad that it was not sane. Admittedly I was not very good at playing, but I just took some insane and outrageous beats where I should have just held. It never stopped and I kept being manhandled deep in tournaments over and over again. Obviously this is not good for your economical status and I was torching money at a very fast rate. As the months kept passing I had an occasional small 1-2k score which I lost back within weeks, enough to keep the small fire within myself burning.
My first real big score was the Hot 27, I won $4k. This was in december just a couple of months ago. And somehow I was not satisfied at all, this was rougly more than 1/3 of what I had managed to lost in the previous year. I had to keep grinding, and grinding I did almost managing to bust my roll again. For a couple of weeks I was swinging like a ****ing yo-yo. Losing 2-3k, binking a mtt, losing 2-3k and then binking again. At this time I decided to invest in a coach, I GRIND THIS (best coach NA) which pointed out my obvious leaks (punting and random spazzes lol) but also overall helped me play a much more solid game. Well, shortly after I procceeded to have the sickest sunday ever where I chopped the Hotter $33 for $10.5k, won a $109 turbo for $5.8k and chopped the Hotter 8.8 for $2k.
Finally I had managed to break even, and was well in the profits region. But it was not as I had imagined to all. All I felt was apathy, it really was not as big of a deal as I had thought. The coming days I barely played at all, and when I did i played sloppy since I had no motivation at all. I had gone from zero to actually having much money (by my own standards) and I really could not give less of a ****.
This was just a month ago, I actually was about to start a journal here before that but I just could not be arsed at that time.
With all my rabblings put away this will be my log where I log everything. All the MTTs I play, all my feelings and what not. I will try to take a much more serious and stricter approach towards poker where every single hand and BI matters, as of right now I'm not always playing my A-game and sometimes I basicly punt away stacks especially early on in tournaments. This journal will be a way to enforce myself of playing a solid game since I will log every single tournament played with any occuring spot or if I do something plain stupid.
As of now I only have one goal and that is to make $25k until the end of the year, not including earlier cashes so I'm counting from journal start.
So sit back, fasten your seat belts and enjoy the ride!
Thread savers:
My graph, lol. Outdated one tho, I might be a tad + since then.
A newly taken picture of me.
Ya that one hand thing sucks. Can really bring me down also after a session. Lots of effort, and just 1 mistake can be costly, and
then you have to think about it till your next session.
Most epic journal.
I dunno about that. Your so up and down. 1 day its epic, the next day the sky is falling.
I hope you manage to suceed you seem like a nice enough guy. There is alot of skills required
to be great at poker. But effort and motivation can really be helpful, and it seems ot have
the drive anyways
Thanks bro. Yeah its one hell of a rollercoaster.
I am close to bust rn only $30 left on my stars account.
Did a really degenerate thing and withdrew cash to buy some drugs and now I am close to bust ffs.
Once again my back is against the wall and all I know is going forwards.
Im all busto, so no pokers for me in a While....
If you were in a psych ward and were being injected with antipsychotics, then you clearly have something going on. Did you not receive a formal diagnosis? If it's not bipolar it sounds like BPD
Sorry if I sound harsh, but no chance you can be a successful poker player without effectively dealing with that, and the only way to do that is to see a therapist and receive regular mental health treatment. Sounds to me like you're +EV from a strictly technical perspective, but ruin that with bad BRM, mental game, and soft skills
Not to say that you couldn't get there, because you potentially can, but you have to be very self-aware and serious about your mental health in order to stop the self-destructive behavior that causes you to inevitably punt off your roll every time
If you were in a psych ward and were being injected with antipsychotics, then you clearly have something going on. Did you not receive a formal diagnosis? If it's not bipolar it sounds like BPD
Sorry if I sound harsh, but no chance you can be a successful poker player without effectively dealing with that, and the only way to do that is to see a therapist and receive regular mental health treatment. Sounds to me like you're +EV from a strictly technical perspective, but ruin that with bad BRM, me
You do kind of have a point but I am keeping myself in check.
Things happened which I won't disclose here which made me end up in the psychiatric ward.
Was a rough time, was there for two ****ing months.
Lost my physique (I was super musucular and I lost quite a lot of my physique) which affected me negatively.
Ive also lost my passion for poker.
I can't afford to play and when I do I just don't feel it anymore.
Besides that I watch a lot of poker on YouTube so I still have some love for the game but I just don't feel it anymore.
It used to get me super excited to play Poker but now I just feel empty inside.
Anyone else had the same experience and managed to find the passion back again?
As I'm writing I am single tabling the Bounty Builder 3.30 with a top 5 stack but I just don't feel like it.
Hello fellow, nice thread.
How did that bountybuilder end?
If you still love the game, but dont feel it anymore playing nlhe, maybe you should try Omaha variants and/or Mixed MTTs...
There are players who dont even know the rules in 11$ 8game MTTs, same as in the NLO8 ones, every now and then.
Normal weekly fieldsizes are small and soft, which reduces variance, but during a xCOOP or most other series, you also get big fields that are extremly soft for a change, every now and then.
Just try your luck on super soft 1$ PLO Spin and goes to learn how to play PLO shortstacked from 50 to 10 big blinds a little bit, then add some 2.20 or 3.30$ PLO MTTs after you've build some confidence and won at least a dozen of them, if you want new enjoyment of playing poker, id suggest.
If you have any questions about the Omaha or mixed games, just ask me here, if its an easy question, or send me a PM, if you want a long answer to smth.
Good luck, mate.
Hello fellow, nice thread.
How did that bountybuilder end?
If you still love the game, but dont feel it anymore playing nlhe, maybe you should try Omaha variants and/or Mixed MTTs...
There are players who dont even know the rules in 11$ 8game MTTs, same as in the NLO8 ones, every now and then.
Normal weekly fieldsizes are small and soft, which reduces variance, but during a xCOOP or most other series, you also get big fields that are extremly soft for a change, every now and then.
Just try your luck
Thanks bro!!!
iDK how the bountybuilder went, guess I did not win it.
Happy to say that I am playing again and that I feel a level of excitement for the game.
No big bankroll yet but i AM ON THE GRIND!!!!
Im busto. The passion has reignited but I am Busto. Got less than $10 to my name and I need to survive three more weeks like this.
I work as a poker dealer though (underground) so I will get back to work ASAP and try to make it work. My plan is to get enough of a roll (about €1700) so I can travel to Barcelona 10th of July for the Lex Open.
This is my plan and it gives me a lot of hope but it will require that I work hard at the Poker club.
Thats it.
The session today was really miserable, I burnt my last remaining $30 to my name on some low stakes tournaments and $2 SnGs.
I will come back though, the passion has reignited.
Lets go!!!!
Fk brm, FK job, all u need is rungood and passion baby cant see this fail its money in the bag bro......
My plan is to get enough of a roll (about €1700) so I can travel to Barcelona 10th of July for the Lex Open.
Solid plan, cant see how this can fail
Well here I am again.
Borrowed money from my ex girlfriends bother ($50) to be able to play a Sunday grind.
Quickly busted all but two tournaments, and now its break so I am letting some steam off by writing here.
Life is going okay now, I have a job which is a great thing because I haven't worked a regular job for two years.
So the 26th I will receive like at least $2000 which is the good news.
The bad news is that police took me during a rave party and I will be fined for atleast like $400-500 if I am lucky so that ****ing sucks.
Besides that I lost my girlfriend because I ****ed up, but now at least I have a decent FWB that I can chill with and **** whenever I want - lol.
My poker spark is very low but it is one of the few things besides training which I kind of enjoy doing.
Well that was it, kthxbai.
you could be the poster child for arguments against gambling
Lol. Ima a baller dude i Played a ****ing EPT when I was 21 and I did well but got coolered the **** out of me. And then i did a bunch of immature things with my money. If I just had the calm in my heart back then I would have been a top Swedish pro rn
youre an immature kid liying to himself but whatever as long as youre only hurting yourself i dont see the problem, you will wake up at some point im sure ...
ballers don't have to borrow $50 to play poker
God damn it I'm on the grind again!
ignoring the three previous posts just pretending like I'm a mother****in baller **** yeah.
Took down 3rd in some 7.50 hyper for $220 and now I got a ****ing Sunday grind!!!!
Update coming later today, I am feeling the fire again..
Early update boyzzz
took down 2nd in a 5.50 hyper for $80.
Roll now stands at beastly $271 and I got a run in a $11 Bounty builder on the bubble now swear to god slowest bubble of my ****ing life lol.
See you all soon kthxbai
Keep killing it, you can do it.
god damn it. bust now for realz, life roll at 0 I just raved my last rave for the month god damn it.
Didn't even get to hook up with any hot girls or anything, no god damn it.
That's my rant for now, jeezzzzz.
lol ffs bro you are so clueless about life its sad really .....wel degens gonna degen i guess.
Yea man, back against my wall as per usual.
Got a staking deal to play cash games lives which I dont know for how long it will last so far down 3 days up 1 day. Hope I dont get cut.
On my way now for a session.
Online I've been winning nothing of substance.
I know I can do this because I looked at my pocketfives from 2016-2018 and I was for sure a ****ing winner. And the prize pools were much better and bigger back then, so a Win would actually put you back in the green.
Nowadays 1st prize in a 3.30-7.50 is at maximum like $800, used to be the double.
The $3.30 rebuy was a gold mine for instance.
I dont want to indulge in my whole economic situation because this has kind of become a memr thread for some, but If I dont win soon I am pretty ****ing cooked lol.
Been grinding like a maniac but to no avail.
I really feel ****ed up.
Ive fallen into love with the game again but I don't got the funds to back it up right now and its frustrating.
If I just had the money I would ****ing bne able to grind my way back to success because there is very few people that are as stubborn as me.
Not looking for someone to save me but would love some cheerful words from anyone from anywhere.
Right now all I get from home is the most of depressed vibes because my parents just think I am a degen gambling addict.
I want to prove them wrong and bring down a ****ing WCOOP trophy and cement myself as someone that can make a living from playing poker.
I can ****ing make this.
Right now I got for now a staking deal playing $1/$1 at a place but for how long? Ive managed to book only two winning sessions in about 2 weeks soon.
Will they sack me? **** my life if they do, this is my hope. This is what I love doing. I live for this. I live for the grind, I am made out of testosterone and adrenaline.
Once again if you see this and is a fellow semi-degen or anyone that has battered through a dark place please hit me up here or in a PM.
I got no one to talk to. No real poker friends, and no-one to vent to.
Don't even got any kind of girlfriend right now which also sucks. Not that I would vent to my GF about losing money and going full degen but whatever.
Okay that was it, kthxbai.
I ****ING DID IT. Took down 2nd for $1100 ish in the nightly cooldown progressive KO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW I GOT A ****ING BANKROLL LETS GO TO WAR!!!!!!!!!!!
